Featuring Matthew May, MD
Today, Part 1. The Inner Bully
Next week, Part 2. The Outer Bully
There are two types of dialogues that can get us in trouble. The first is your “Inner Dialogue.” Your Inner Dialogue sometimes consists of negative thoughts and perceptions of yourself and the world, which are often dominated by the familiar cognitive distortions that trigger internal mood problems, like depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, inadequacy, loneliness, hopelessness, and more.
Examples would be “I’m a failure because . . . “ or “I should be better than I am,” or “I’m really going to blow it when I give my talk, and a myriad of variations on these themes. Your Inner Dialogue often consists of mean-spirited things you say to yourself, much like the schoolyard bully who intimidates younger, weaker children. The only difference is that you are doing this to yourself, often without noticing or realizing what that voice inside your brain is up to. When you challenge and crush these distorted perceptions, you can CHANGE the way you FEEL.
Your Outer Dialogue consists of the things you say when you have with interactions with other people, and this can be especially important when you’re dealing with others who are critical of you, or even threatening you with violence. The strategies are quite different from the strategies you might use to challenge and defeat your Inner bully.
Today, Rhonda, Matt and I will demonstrate various strategies for defeating the Inner Bully. Next week, in Part 2, we will demonstrate strategies for defeating the Outer Bully! Those strategies, in extreme cases, might even save your life one day, as you’ll see next week.
Rhonda starts the podcast by reading an awesome comment by certified TEAM-CBT therapist Dan Prine, who commented in a kindly way on podcast 334, where we interviewed Michael Yapko on hypnosis.
Then we focus on multiple techniques to challenge two negative thoughts with a variety of strategies. The first negative thought is one we’ve seen on a number of occasions from women who had abortions as teenagers, and then experienced extreme depression and guilt later in life because of their thought, “I’m a bad person because I murdered my baby.”
Using role-playing, we illustrated E = Empathy, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, followed by A = the Assessment of Resistance, using the Magic Button, Positive Reframing, and Magic Dial, followed by M = Methods. Methods included Examine the Evidence, the Double Standard Technique, the Externalization of Voices (with Self-Defense, the Acceptance Paradox, and the CAT, or Counter-/Attack Technique, along with the Socratic Technique, and more.
Then we focused on a thought familiar to Rhonda during moments of insecurity and self-doubt: “I don’t matter!” This thought has plagued Rhonda since she was a child. She recalled her father often saying, “Who are you? You don’t matter!”
She told herself, “He’s saying that because I don’t matter.” Even the memory causes great pain and agitation.
Of course, on some level, her father’s comments never had any effect on her. Only your thoughts can cause you to feel one way or another. But this was devastating to Rhonda because she believed what her father said, which is understandable, and those thoughts caused the pain.
We again illustrated many approaches to challenging this thought, but one of the techniques that was most helpful was the CAT. During the Externalization of Voices, the Positive Rhonda said this to her Inner Bully: “I’m not going to listen to you anymore! I’ve had enough of your BS!”
Thank you for listening today. Remember to tune in to the Outer Bully next week!
Rhonda, Matt, and David
Rhonda and I are convinced that Dr. May is one of the greatest therapists on the planet earth. If you have a question or would like to contact Dr. May, please check out his website at: www.matthewmaymd.com
Thanks for the podcast and “live demo” – it is very helpful! Keep up the great work and looking forward to more of your materials:)
You’re very welcome! Thanks for your kind comments! Best, david
I cannot get through this podcast which is really fantastic. The podcast stops at about 16 minutes. Wondering if anyone is having that issue.
Thanks Debbie. I always appreciate your thoughtfulness! There is a school of thinking that states that just going to therapy and talking about your problems and your past traumas can actually strengthen the negative brain circuits. In other words, the neurons that fire together wire together. The more you activate the negative pathways, the stronger they get. Many forms of therapy focus more on learning new schools and developing new more positive and adaptive pathways in the brain. Of course, the politics in the psychotherapy area are intense, with warring factions not based too much on scientific research. Best, David
Boy giving up the masochism and replacing it with much more compassionate normal simple thinking has really lightened up my load.I cant beieve I thought all that garbage . It doesnt even sound like me. A large part of the escalation into it was bringing al those suppoosed mental health people into it. They all mad matters worse when there was a simple solution. It exacerbated a situation
Dear David, I can attest to talking about your problems and thinking about them makes it worse.There is actually research done on this and it is true. It also pisses people off they dont want to keep hearing it. I talked about miine for three years and it doesnt work. It pushed people away. Plus it is obsessional and pressured speech. It is natural and normal to move on and not think about it.I would have went nuts if I remembered all the ways I harmed myself through my thinking. I forgiven and forge it is natural and healthy just find it scary to think that all of this is allowed and people are being harmed.What do you think about all of these articles about psychology that you find on line. I find many of them misleading and inaccurate based on a lot of pseudoscience as are these professionals on you tube talking about a subject I am going to stay away for awhile as you get to much junk and it gets confusing . How will you forget if you keep remembering. There is no science to back it up it is the opposite. In fact science support the opposite a healthy mind has been shown to forget and let our natural healing abilities grow.We have natural healing abilities so it is best not to interfere with it.
yes, our field look to me much like competing cults, with extremely strongly beliefs in ideas and theories that have not been validated empirically. I think over time that science will play a much greater role in the so-called behavioral sciences! In the early days of physics and astronomy, there was also stiff resistance from the Catholic church, for example. But once it broke away from being embedded within religion, physicals and astronomy have exploded in a fantastic way, teaching us much about the origins of life and the universe itself! As they say, “good money drives out bad money,” and I hoope this will be true in the behavioral sciences as well! Best, david
Thanks, Debby, and congrats on deciding to like and love yourself again! Best, david
Dear David, Giving it all up at once needed to be done. I had no other choice it was affecting all my relationships and my own sanity. I think all your empathy and understanding was a big part in it even though we disagree on things. Its nice to be feeling normal again and not have delusions or anything. It was a living hell the other way. Its nice to be normal again. I havent been normal in so lon. It will ingrrain it in you the longer you think about it and those pattens are harder to get out of. You just have to stop. I got my self respect back too and I like even love myself again
Dear David, I know that is why it is not good to talk about the past traumas and focus on your anxieties or fears because it strengthens the neural networks. The same goes for rumination
Hi Debby, What you are saying makes perfect sense to me! Common sense, too! Best, david