Secrets of Overcoming Romantic Rejection
Part 2 of 2
In last week’s podcast we interviewed Dr. Kyle Jones on the topic of how to overcome romantic rejection, and answered five of your questions. Today we publish Part 2 of that interview. Rhonda, Kyle and David will tell you how to stop obsessing about someone who has rejected you, and whether you can “heal completely,”and how you can get your confidence back, and more!
6. Do you have any tips for moving on and realizing that maybe your ex isn’t as great as you think they are?
David
20 qualities I’m looking for in an ideal mate.
Rhonda
Time, patience, space away from each other. Make lists of qualities you liked about your ex and qualities you wish were different. Fill out the form: “20 Qualities in An Ideal Mate” and review how many of these qualities your ex had.
7. Since cheating is something that happens so often in relationships, what would you recommend (techniques wise) for someone who’s been cheated on in trying to get their confidence back?
David
YOU CAN USE THE DAILY MOOD LOG, DOUBLE STANDARD, ETC. OVERCOME FEAR OF BEING ALONE. ETC. Examine the Evidence; Worst, Best, Average.
Kyle
Cheating can be really devastating if you and your significant other were in a monogamous relationship. What are the negative thoughts you have about yourself after you’ve been cheated on? Practice talking back to those.
8. How can we boost our confidence back up after a breakup in general even if we haven’t been cheated on?
David
SAME ANSWER.
Rhonda
Do things you love to do with people who love you: go dancing, go to the beach, go hear music, read, etc.
Daily Mood Log on the thoughts that lead to your lack of confidence.
9. Do you guys believe in the notion that you are capable of “healing completely from your ex (aka completely being over them and all the pain the breakup brought you)” or do you believe that it’s not possible.
David
I MEASURE THINGS. YOU CAN DO WAY BETTER AS YOU GROW. IS THERE A CLAIM THAT THERE IS NOW AN INVISIBLE BARRIER ON YOUR SCORE ON THE BMS. THIS IS SUCH, EXCUSE MY CRUDITY, HOGWASH! HOPEFULLY, YOU’LL NEVER AGAIN FIND SOMEONE JUST LIKE THE PERSON WHO REJECTED YOU!
Rhonda
You may never be exactly the same, why would you want to be? Every experience in life gives you the opportunity to grow (as cliche and kind of yucky as that sounds).
Maybe you need to acknowledge and examine your role in the breakup, come to a place of humility or maybe even compassion, but definitely understanding. Interpersonal Downward Arrow to look at the Roles and Rules in your past relationships. Relationship Journal to see how you have contributed to the relationship problems. Maybe do Reattribution to see what you contributed to the relationship problems and what they did.
10. What are some realistic expectations to have coming out of a breakup, recovery wise, and what are some unrealistic expectations?
David
I DON’T IMPOSE MY STANDARDS AND AGENDAS ON OTHERS! THAT’S LIKE MISSIONARY WORK, TRYING TO GET SOMEONE TO ADOPT YOUR STANDARDS. I TRY TO LISTEN (EMPATHY) AND THEN SET THE AGENDA WITH THE PATIENT, AND THE NEGOTIATION STEP IS SOMETIMES IMPORTANT. I ALSO USE STORY TELLING TO ILLUSTRATE A RADICALLY DIFFERENT REALITY FROM WHAT THE PATIENT “SEES.”
Rhonda
I can’t add anything to that, except, after examining your role in the relationship, you may see the expectations you want to eliminate and the ones you want to maintain.
11. Do you guys feel that you shouldn’t date for a while after getting your heart broken?
David
THIS CAN BE A GREAT IDEA. I ALWAYS INSIST, AS PART OF NEGOTIATION PHASE OF AGENDA SETTING, THAT THE PERSON OVERCOME THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE BEFORE DATING, WHETHER OR NOT A REJECTION HAPPENED.
Rhonda
This is a very personal decision. Have you had time to heal before getting into a new relationship? Have you had time to examine your role so you can make changes if you choose, so you won’t repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship?
12. Do you have to move on from your ex to go back out into the dating world again and to possibly be in a relationship again? Do you guys feel that “jumping” from relationship to relationship can be a bad thing? Why or why not?
David
THESE THINGS ARE ALWAYS ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS. I THINK IT CAN BE HEALTHY TO DATE A VARIETY OF PEOPLE AND NOT GLOM ONTO THE FIRST PERSON WHO EXPRESSES AN INTEREST IN YOU. THAT WAY, YOU CAN COMPARE A VARIETY OF RELATIONSHIPS AND IN ADDITION, YOUR DATING SKILLS WILL IMPROVE. THE “20 THINGS I’M LOOKING FOR IN AN IDEAL MATE” CAN BE VALUABLE.
Rhonda
“Jumping from relationship to relationship” sounds so judgmental. Are you finding yourself in relationships where you have similar complaints from your last relationship, repeating patterns that you dislike? Then I would pause and take time to heal and learn before starting another one.
Kyle
What does be “moved on” really mean here? Would you have to never have a thought about your ex again before dating? That might be impossible! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating multiple people or starting and stopping relationships with some frequency – especially if you’re looking for a good fit and it’s not working out with someone.
13. How do you overcome your trust issues when getting into another relationship after your heartbreak?
David
PATIENT WOULD HAVE TO GIVE ME A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE, AND NOT DEAL WITH THIS OR ANYTHING “ABSTRACTLY.”
Rhonda
Daily Mood Log work, starting with a specific event that led to the lack of trust.
Let us know if you would like a third podcast on how to deal with romantic rejection at some point, since we have a number of remaining questions. Thanks!
My book, Intimate Connections, will help you with dating and rejection issues!
You can contact Dr. Kyle Jones at kyle@feelinggoodinstitute.com
End of Part 2
Dear David, Does it make sense to you that when I took back my real self the past went away and my general feeling of well being came back and I am okay with everyone. That is what I did.
Makes sense to me. Lots of people are afraid to do that, and don’t know how to do that. They are busy beating up on their real selves for not being “good enough,” for example! Best, david
What rubbish! Cats, bats, snakes … — they all feel the SAME things WE do! Sad. Hungry. Scared. And MAD! And they ain’t got no big brains like us! They don’t need no words. Some things you JUST FEEL, like when a rat wants cheese. Now you try to give some of this here psychobabble to some lip-lickin rat that ain’t had nothing but crumbs for two, three days and you know what’ll happen? He go BITE your A—! This professor got it all backwards. Feelings come first. Action comes second. Words come third, like ripples on the pond. Many a learned man be great fools . . .
Thanks Cornelius! I like your straightforward, honest, over the top way of expressing your idea. Kudos! And I have to admit that I make way more foolish mistakes than you can imagine–more or less every day! I nearly always teach with great passion and conviction, but i’m only right about half the time, so you have to apply your own critical thinking to everything I say. And you’re a delightfully critical thinker! Best, david
A-ha!!! So YOU ADMIT you put the CHICKEN before the EGGS – – those eggs you scrambled all up! It’s your PASSION and CONVICTION that heal. Thats old as Solomon! Thats good preaching. Happens every Sunday…
I greatly admire your passion and like you, but I have to confess my thinking differs a little from yours. I’m doing quite a lot of research on variables associated with changes in depression and many other negative feelings, and I have fairly strong statistical evidence that the direction of causality is fromm negative thinking to negative feelings, and not vice versa. These circular causality issues are fairly challenging, but solvable with the right data base.
I think we could learn a lot from Sunday pastors, actually, about variables involved in change, too. Good point! But kind of hard to study that situation. I’m using data from the Feeling Good app where everything is measured and tested statistically. In some future test we might be able to test passion and conviction. I bring a lot of passion and conviction to my therapy work, and to my research, and have no doubt that the MIGHT be of considerable importance. I say MIGHT since I do statistical modeling, and empirical tests of many popular beliefs, including many of my own, turn out to be obsoletely false. So when people ask me to test one of their favorite theories, I always warn them ahead of time that the resuls are likely to disappoint them.
I like working with young investigators (researchers) because many of them are quite open to studies with negative findings, even if disappointing! Einstein’s theory or relativity evolved from the failed Michelson-Morley experiment, trying to prove that light went at different speeds in different directions. But the study indicated this popular belief simply was not true. Einstein, who was working as a clerk, since he was an unwanted and unemployable physicist, thought deeply about this puzzling negative result, and one day the theory of relativity dawned on him, and the rest of the story is history.
So I try not to get too sure of myself, and let the numbers do the talking instead! Warmly, david
ever dig clams, Doc? They LOVE, they HATE they MATE, they HIDE in the sand when something big swims up looking for a snack . they dont have words. They dont even have EYES! how come they feel the same things WE DO even though they can’t talk? Riddle me that
Sure, and I’m glad you’re thinking about this deeply. I once asked Aaron Beck the exact (almost) same question. He reminded me that CBT is all about the impact of our perceptions and understanding of what’s happening. Thinking in sentences with words is just one form of perception.
Not sure if this applies on the micro level, like with bacteria, viruses and such. They do pull away from avesive stimuli, but is this just a neurologic / chemical response of some type, or an experience? I have no idea! Would be curious about what you think!
Thanks, david
OK. You make a good point … i disavow.
All Life PERCEIVES. But HOW it perceives depends on the creature … so perception comes first … THEN feeling … THEN action. We’ve got WORDS so our perception isnt just instinct. We DO respond to instinct AUTOMATICALLY, but we can also OVERCOME it. i guess in hard times that what seperate those who live, those who die and those who THRIVE
Thank you for setting me straight, Doc. i’d rather have BEEN wrong than BE wrong
Cofnelius, You’re FANTASTIC IN MY BOOK. Thanks for the kind words. WOW! Best, david