Ask David: Featuring Matt May, MD
1. Nick asks: “What if you want a positive relationship with someone who does not want the same thing?”
2. Debbie asks: Hi David, I can’t stop ruminating and obsessing about weird states of minds or when I was afraid of harming someone or remembering. Everyone says to let go but why do I hang on. Where in your book can you help me?
3. Dean asks: I’m having trouble sleeping. What should I do?
4. Kathy asks a question about social anxiety / panic and the hidden emotion technique.
Note: The answers below were generated prior to the podcast, and the information provided on the live podcast may be richer and different in a number of ways.
1. Nick asks many general relationship problems that all need specific examples.
Dear David,
Thank you for all the amazing work you do. Your books and podcasts have helped me to understand and start to transform a lot of negative and unwanted frames that I carry around. I’m also working with a Level 3 therapist who I found through the Feeling Good Institute.
One area I’m working on is building my empathy skills using the Five Secrets model. I see how powerful it is in situations where both people are open to a positive relationship. But I struggle with the idea that each of us creates our own interpersonal reality, and can always create a positive outcome regardless of the other person. Can you help me understand how to apply the technique to some challenging situations?
– What happens if you want a positive relationship with the other person, but they fundamentally do not? I find that this situation leads the other person to react to the Five Secrets with anger or indifference.
Or they view you as weak for exposing your emotions and vulnerability, and try to exploit them for advantage over you. Is it even worth trying to have a positive relationship with such a person?
David’s reply
I try not to impose on people who do not want a positive relationship with me. You could also provide a specific example, as I always insist on having! These vague questions to my ear are kind of useless.
Matt’s reply
David, you’ve said that the cause of all relationship problems is Blame. I agree with this and sense that Nick’s question is driving at that point, as well. If someone doesn’t want to participate in our definition of a ‘positive’ relationship, the approach that is most in line with the 5-Secrets and Empathy is to let go and stop demanding the other person change. That’s the cause of the problem: trying to force people to do things, our way, regardless of what they want. This will cause them to resist and will damage the relationship.
David, you have also talked about the opposite mindset of blame, where we can wield 5-Secrets honestly and effectively, the concept of ‘Open Hands’. When we have the attitude of ‘Open Hands’, we can welcome other people and receive them or gracefully let go. This mental state avoids conflict and the ‘blame game’ in a healthy, non-avoidant way.
For example, if someone says, “I don’t want to have a relationship with you”. We might reply, using the 5-Secrets, ‘You’re right, I’ve been disrespectful and inappropriately pushing you too hard in the direction of having a relationship with me. I appreciate your letting me know, clearly, that this isn’t something you want. While I can imagine you might be angry with me, I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that, but prefer, instead, to end the relationship as quickly as possible. I’m feeling awkward and would like to get out of your hair as soon as possible, too. What can I do to facilitate ending this relationship in a way you would be satisfied with?”
To put it another way, while you can maximize your chances of having a positive interpersonal experience with someone, using these communication skills, the 5-Secrets, they are not ‘mind control’ and trying to use them that way will only make matters worse, hence the importance of the internal mindset of ‘open hands’, accepting others’ preferences and being willing to let go, perhaps grieve, refocus our attention elsewhere, if that’s not what they want. Otherwise, we are in the ‘chasing’ and ‘blaming’ role, which is doomed to fail, as has been discussed on previous podcasts.
It may also be useful to consider whether it’s actually possible to ‘not have a relationship’ with someone. My sense is that there is, in fact, a relationship, even between total strangers and between people who have decided, mutually, to end their relationship. We could point out how those two types of relationships might differ, say, if you were to bump into each other in a grocery store. In the latter example, you might be expected to try a bit harder to avoid contact, with an agreed-upon, ‘ex’ than you would, with a stranger. There are rules and expectations and ways in which both people think about the other person and define their ‘relationship’, even if you are saying that it has ‘ended’. The conflict comes when we don’t have the same agenda and don’t agree on the terms and rules of the relationship.
There are many other related topics, including the ‘gentle ultimatum’, ‘interpersonal decision making’ and ‘blame CBA’ which could be useful for Nick.
Nick continues
– What if you believe the other person does have a fundamental desire for a good relationship, but they are so attached to their anger, fear or depression that their only reaction is hostility and defense? Perhaps such a person can’t or won’t admit to their emotions, and rejects the empathy. Should you keep trying, and at what point if any should you give up?
David’s reply
Need a specific example! I may have mentioned that!
Matt’s reply:
A specific example sure would help! The problem seems related to the ‘blame game’ which we just talked about. We are demanding the other person change, and stop being so hostile and defensive. Instead, consider using Interpersonal Decision Making and look at the three options that are available, in any relationship. If you decide to take responsibility for the relationship, try the Relationship Journal, so you can see through the blame that is causing the problem. You could also use positive reframing to admire their hostility, defensiveness, anger, fear and depression.
Nick continues:
Perhaps there are mistaken or lying about the facts, and unwilling to admit it. Or you disbelieve what they say because it doesn’t match their actions or is calculated to deflect blame. For example, you may have a conflict over who cleans the house. The objective fact is that you do this 80% of the time and have done it the last 5 times in a row, while the other person has consistently left garbage lying around. Yet the other person says
“I feel like you never do housework and I am always the one cleaning, and I’m sick of it”. How can you find truth in such a statement?
David’s reply
Work this out on a Relationship Journals. Write down what you said next, and follow th steps clearly spelled out in Feeling Good Together. Or, I could send you one.
Matt’s Reply
Disarming is really challenging because it requires us to let go of our version of the ‘truth’, at least temporarily, in order to see the other person’s truth. People often don’t want to do that, even for a moment! Furthermore, if the other person is angry, they are likely to distort the truth in their statements, for effect, to be more persuasive. The problem with this, is that it will call our attention to the lies they are telling, tempting us away from seeing their truth. Without knowing more about the situation, I could only guess at what their ‘truth’ is. Here are some possibilities, though: Is it possible that they have some reasonable expectation for us to do more of the cleanup than them? Are they offering something else in the relationship that offsets their lack of cleaning? Do they do the majority of the cooking? Do they do the shopping? Do they pay more of the bills? Also, were they the last one to do the cleaning? When they clean, do they spend more time on it or do a more thorough job? When they clean, do they clean up their things as well as yours? Do you do that? You stated that they leave their ’garbage lying around’. Is that how they see it? Is it possible that they put their things precisely where they wanted them to be and didn’t want you ‘tidying up’?
The point is that disarming requires seeing the bigger picture, not just the one data point that best supports your blaming them. Try to see past this and, if you can’t, considering Interpersonal Decision making and the Blame CBA, where you would write down the good reasons to blame the other person and insist that your version of the truth is complete and correct and that theirs is wrong and bad.
Nick carries on
– What should you do in situations where you both have attachments to other incompatible goals? In Lee’s case on episodes 96-98 of your podcast and Chapter 27 of Feeling Great, both Less and his wife had the same fundamental values with regard to raising their daughter. So once he applied the Five Secrets, they were able to move past their ego defenses and share the same perspective. But what if there is a zero-sum situation where both of you have different core values? For example, choosing a grade school for your child. One parent sincerely believes in their core values that their child will benefit from attending a rigorous school where they will be challenged and grow. The other parent sincerely believes in their core values that children should be in a relaxed environment where they can play as much as possible. Can the Five Secrets help with this type of conflict?
David’s reply
Read the chapter in Feeling Good Together on the idea that the attempt to solve the problem IS the problem, and the refusal to solve it is the solution.
I think you’ve got some work to do! Now we’ll see if you do it!
Matt’s Response
In this case, you could agree to disagree and let a professional decide what would be best for your child. Studies conducted longitudinally by Chess and Thomas showed that no one parenting style was ‘best’ overall, but rather that outcomes for human being were determined primarily by how well the parenting style suited the child.
2. Debbie asks: Hi David, I can’t stop ruminating and obsessing about weird states of minds or when I was afraid of harming someone or remembering. Everyone says to let go but why do I hang on? Where in your book can you help me?
David’s reply
You can read my book, When Panic Attacks. You can use search function on website for many illuminating podcasts on anxiety and OCD. You can sign up for the free anxiety class. Go for it. Then ask specific questions about something you’re working on based on these resources.
Matt’s reply
Well, you’re not alone! Nobody can ‘stop ruminating’. Try a mental experiment, where you try to ‘stop ruminating about a blue-eyed tiger’. Tell yourself, ‘I must stop ruminating about a blue eyed tiger! I must stop ruminating about a blue eyed tiger!’. You will come to realize that it’s Impossible and the harder you try, the more you obsess. One possible solution is to find something else, something better, to become the focus of your attention. Imagine a ‘Miracle Cure’ were possible. What would you most wish to see happen in your life?
You could then use the Decision Making Form, to weigh different options, comparing the miracle cure to the status quo, for example. There are, after all, real advantages to ruminating and obsessing. You might have a sense that you’re being responsible, protecting others, preventing yourself from going into weird states of mind and harming people. This is part of your moral nature, doing no harm, being considerate and thoughtful, sacrificing your needs for others. That’s a good thing! Also, you might be afraid of committing to pursuing your dreams, for good reason. There are real disadvantages of doing that. The risk of failure, humiliation, conflict, disappointment and defeat, for example. Until you are convinced that you would want some other version of your life, despite the many advantages of rumination and the disadvantages of change, other methods are unlikely to be effective. If you firmly decide and are committed to change, meaning that you have convinced yourself that this is what you want, on the Decision Making Form, then there are lots of methods that could be helpful.
For example, you could use the Get Specific method and an assessment of Process Resistance. When do I want to be cured? What would I be willing to do, to have my dreams come true? What are some small steps I could take to get there (Anti-Procrastination / Little Steps for Big Feats). What time will I do these tasks? Sit down and schedule time in your day to pursue your dreams (Activity Scheduling). If intrusive thoughts come in, try ‘Self Monitoring and Response Prevention’. If temptation is especially tenacious, try the Devil’s Advocate Technique. I’d recommend looking into things like the ‘Hidden Emotion’. Is ruminating a form of ‘niceness’, an avoidance of a conflict? For example, who are you angry with? Have you told them? If you go live your best life, who would object? You can also give yourself a certain amount of time, per day, to obsess, wholeheartedly (worry breaks). How much time would you like to spend ruminating? Schedule this time and if you’re ruminating outside that time, remind yourself that you have plenty of time to ruminate later. Again, there are a lot of methods that could help and finding the right ones will be a bit of trial and error!
3. Dean asks: I’m having trouble sleeping. What should I do?
Hi Dr. Burns, I picked up a copy of ‘Feeling Great’ and am excited to start reading it.
I have been battling anxiety, depression, and severe chronic insomnia for the past year. Do I start with TEAM-CBT for anxiety/depression and deal with that first, or do I supplement with CBTi-for Insomnia and do both at the same time?
I met with the Mayo Clinic last fall and they said the root cause of the Insomnia is some depression. I have been to a lot of doctors, specialists, and therapists and so far no one has been able to help. Thank you!
David’s reply
I am not familiar with the insomnia app but it can likely give you some of the basics of sleep hygiene in case you do not already know them. TEAM can be helpful, to say the least, for the mood or relationship issues that may be triggering the troubles sleeping. Often, we may have trouble sleeping because we are upset about something. Sleep difficulties are a non-specific manifestation of being upset about something.
There is no special relationship with depression, however. It could be anxiety, anger, anything. Let me know what evolves for you!
And, of course, sleep difficulties do not always result from emotional disturbance, but this is often the case. For humans, problems don’t usually just come from out of the blue, but from your life!
David
Matt’s reply
The best response to the question, ‘How do I get to sleep at night’, that I’ve heard is, ‘try to stay awake’.
Meanwhile, I have a couple of thoughts on diagnosis and treatment planning.
Having a diagnosis of ‘anxiety’ or ‘depression’ is like having a ‘diagnosis’ of ‘cough’ or ‘fever’. Our feelings are symptoms, not the source. g. if someone has symptoms of a cough and fever, that could be the result of any number of different underlying causes: bacteria, viruses, fungi, allergic reactions, autoimmune disease, toxin exposures, etc., etc. To make more accurate guesses about an appropriate treatment regimen, we need greater specificity. In the treatment of symptoms like depression, anxiety and insomnia, we would need to know much more about a specific moment in time when you were having these symptoms, what you were doing, what you were thinking and details about the feeling state you were in before deciding how to prioritize the methods that would be part of a treatment plan, which we call a ‘recovery circle’ in TEAM.
In medical school, they train physicians to ‘cast a very wide net’, when considering all the possible causes of the symptoms a patient is experiencing. This list of possible causes is referred to as a ‘differential diagnosis’ by physicians. The idea is to organize this list according to what is statistically most likely given all the information we have on hand and to conduct various tests to narrow down these options, in order to prioritize a treatment strategy that is most likely to be effective. Meanwhile, we want to keep open in our minds that our diagnosis could be wrong and that we will need to monitor the outcome carefully, with frequent testing, rather than assume we know the ‘root’ problem with 100% certainty, so we can modify the treatment strategy based on results.
While it’s tempting to try to try to optimize treatment results by matching the diagnosis with a ‘school’ of therapy, (ERP for OCD, EMDR for trauma, DBT for BPD, etc.), there are several problems with this ‘schools’ vs. ‘tools’ approach to therapy. For one, the reality is that people are quite complex beings and diagnostic labels are quite imprecise and limited. Even when we have an accurate diagnosis, we can’t predict precisely which specific set of methods will be required to help someone recover. Furthermore, even if someone has the exact same set of upsetting negative thoughts related to their anxiety, depression and insomnia, perhaps their thoughts circle from ‘I must get some sleep, I’ll never get to sleep, I’ll feel terrible tomorrow, Everything will go wrong, I’m a hopeless case, I’m a loser…I must get some sleep (repeat)’, even if the thoughts are the same in multiple different people, we can only make informed guesses, rather than predict, perfectly, what method(s) will suit that individual best. Will it be the double standard technique, or cognitive flooding, sleep restriction, the hidden emotion, the Socratic technique or memory rescripting, self-monitoring or response prevention, something else?
The solution to this uncertainty is the Recovery Circle. The ‘recovery circle’ is a customized list of at least twenty methods, that are selected based on the specific feelings, thoughts or behaviors someone would like to see change. Each of these methods will have some reasonable chance to help an individual, with their particular thoughts and feelings and behaviors. The idea is then to ‘fail our way to success’, using trial-and-error, with measurement in between, to discover, scientifically, what is the best method for that individual. Once we do, we focus on practicing that method regularly to gain skill with it, until our patients are not only cured, but able to recover from relapses on their own, because they know the methods that are most helpful to them.
Another consideration is that, in general, folks benefit from an approach that is kind, empathic, respectful, grounded in science and measurement, and attentive to resistance and motivational barriers to change. One reason I would recommend TEAM to a family member or friend is that it contains each of these necessary elements of therapy and also has the greatest diversity of tools to help someone, as well as a customized approach to treatment. I think that’s why TEAM has been shown to be much more effective than other forms of therapy.
All that said, it’s important to realize that TEAM itself is incomplete and we would want to continue to expand up the model and, when you’re in treatment, know that it’s fine to get a second, third or fourth opinion on what methods and approaches are most likely to benefit you.
4. Kathy asks about social anxiety, panic and the hidden emotion technique.
Hi Dr. Burns,
Thank you so much for all the great information you put out there! I had a question about hidden emotion. If I experienced dizziness in a social setting ten years ago and now I panic whenever I am in a similar situation anticipating the dizziness. Is there still a connection to the original emotion that is still hidden or is it a habit at this point? Thank you so much
David’s reply
Were you upset with somebody or something in that situation?
Matt’s reply:
You could use uncovering techniques, like the ‘What If’ Technique and the ‘Interpersonal Downward Arrow’, among others, to figure that out.
For example, ‘what if you got dizzy? What’s the worst that could happen?
You can write down your answer, and continue to ask yourself, ‘what if that happened, what would I be anxious about?’. Then, as yourself, if that happened, what would other people think about me? How would they treat me? What kind of people are these people, I’m imagining? How do I feel about people like that?
Rhonda and I are convinced that Dr. May is one of the greatest therapists on the planet earth. If you have a question or would like to contact Dr. May, please check out his website at: www.matthewmaymd.com
Dr. Rhonda Barovsky is a Level 5 Certified TEAM-CBT therapist and trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Check out her website: www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com.
You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.
This is the cover of my new book, Feeling Great.
It’s on sale right now on Amazon, and it’s ridiculously cheap!
The kindle and audio versions are available now too! Check it out!
Hi David, Rhonda and Matt
Thank you very much for the great podcast. I was very encouraged by the answers to the question Nr 2 that Debbi asked, because I struggle with the same issues. It lifted my mood instantly.
I liked Matt’s elaborate show notes to this question. I will try out the Miracle Cure and then use the Decision-Making form to weigh up my findings with the status quo. Thank you for listing all the methodes, that could be helpful and for the promting to be very specific, when using the methods.
I am curious, what I can come up with.
Thanks again for this Ask David podcast and the helpful show notes!
Many greetings
Caroline
Dear David Burns, I read your comment. However, since we spoke about psychosis and my crazy states of minds and I decided to let them go and forget them, I feel like me like I said.. I took your advice on listening to the first psychiatrist I spoke to and it is what I thought all along, My ruminations were about things that bothered me or things I did wrong. But as I said before when I take back my real self I am who I was trying to be all along. I read your book about panic but I dont always deal with fear by confronting it sometimes I educate my fears or trust others when I talk to them so I would have to disagree on confronting all the time.or you could argue that that is confronting them I dont agree with everything you say in that book either and wouldnt go about things the way you do, but that is okay. I have to say that I am especially proud of myself for stopping all self destructive thinking, self defeating thinking or going against myself. Everything stopped and I went back to being normal. Now I am intersted in going places and doing things with people and I havent had that in three years. What worked for me is that I felt heard, understood and listened to by you and my family plus I trust you and I know you are mature enough to allow me to do it the way I like. I don perceive you as a narcissist. It was kind of you to answerr me. It helped me after the unethical treatment I received by the other narcissistic therapist I mentioned. Oh my self respect and self worth came back after I stopped all of the above and the faulty negative thinking about myself. I got that one from you in one of your books. No sabotage a healthy attitude is back. Man was I going about things the hard , long way and the wrong way. Amazing what happens when you listen to others, logic and healthy real self. Still reading your books and picking up tips or choosing what I like. What went out the window with all of that was a serious problem with self doubt. I believe in myself again and what I do. I just have to decide and do what I like with my time now, busy is healthy and good. . After all all that ruminating, obsessing and self abosorption and neurtoism did consume me lol. I think I can put myself to better use. Matt hit the nail on the head along with my family when they said I had to decide and do it. Now I move forwards and not backwards like everyone else. I only wanted to be a normal person again. The attention seeking that was involved in it too is given up. I really like that one because I dont like negative attention or all that attention to beging with. I dont think anybody normal would. I still listen to your podcasts and learn too. My family only wanted me to recover and hold nothing against me so I am lucky that way. I asked for forgiveness and they did so we are moving forward. Thanks again.
Thanks, Caroline! I forwarded you comments to Matt and Rhonda! Best, david
Dear David, I cant thank you enough for understqnding what I was getting at. All of that lowered my self esteem so and my self worth. Once I decided to be healthy and stop my rumination and fixation on this I was free. I can enjoy my family and my husband and life now. Life is new and exciting when the past feels past. I told my self the truth too and that set me free.
Great! Thanks! d
Hi David
I forgot to mention, why the podcast and the show notes lifted my mood immediatly. The reason was, listening and reading about the many different methods I can try out. This boosted my motivation and lifted my hope level from feeling hopeless up to hope, that I can beat this eventually.
I though, I add this, since you kept stressing us listeners, that it is important to be specific with our questions and I can imagine, the same might be true for our feedback. And I agree with you!
Many greetings
Caroline
thanks, this concept has been central to my approach for decades, and I always stress it, giving lists of methods that can help with any negative thought. I call that the Recovery Circle. I’m glad you finally “got” this super important concept. d
Hi David and Rhonda! Big fan of the podcast and all of your books. Just had a question for you that has been on my mind for quite some time. Do we need anything at all in order to be happy? If we don’t need friends, a partner, achievement, money, or our health to experience happiness/joy. Where does happiness come from? How can we test this? The one idea I struggle with the most is the idea that we wouldn’t need friends or, more specifically, social interaction. I think of the prisoners who are in solitary confinement and the psychological effects it can have on them. It seems like you could strongly argue that those people NEED social activity. But I know you are not in the business of evangelizing so for me I think it would be better to keep this more as a need like how water or food is a need, rather than a want. But I’d like to hear your two cents. Also, It seems to me like it would be advantageous to have a version of valid and invalid should statements but instead for our needs (Valid like needing water. Invalid like needing a new car). I apologize in advance if any of these topics were covered in previous podcasts. I couldn’t quite find anything specific enough to this question. Thanks for all the amazing work.
Hi TP, Thanks for the excellent question. I also love your idea of including “need” statements into the category of unhealthy Should Statements. Perhaps we can make this an Ask David question and read it on a podcast if that’s okay. So, to quote Fareed Zakaria, here’s my take. I think you’ve pretty much nailed it. There isn’t much we “need” for happiness. We do need food and water, but we want, but don’t need, social interaction. As you point out, I do not evangelize this or any idea, but this notion has been helpful to many depressed or even suicidal individuals I’ve treated who were convinced their lives were hopeless and meaningless because they didn’t have something they thought they “needed,” like love, or the love of a man or woman who’d rejected them, or great accomplishment. My Pleasure Predicting Sheet is one tool among a great many I’ve created to lead people to this insight, which can be a kind of “enlightenment” experience.
I like the TV show “Alone,” and have watched all of the episodes of all of the seasons of the show. It features ten individuals (outdoor survival experts) who are stranded in some remote location, like Patagonia or Labrador, with only nine items (like a tarp, or an ax, and so forth), and they have to build shelters and find food and survive as long as possible. The one who lasts the longest wins half a million dollars, so they are strong motivated. The winner typically goes 70 or 80 days or more, and all the others have tapped out (left because they couldn’t take it any more.)
While loneliness is one motive for tapping out, it is uncommon, and most of them become more and more euphoric living alone in the freezing cold with little or no food or creature comforts. They tap out because of things they really DO need, like food. Most loose 50 pounds or more, and are immensely grateful to eat a squirrel, or even a mouse, if they can hunt one down. Some tap out due to illness or injury, too, like frostbite or BI disturbance from contaminated kill meat or water.
I have also experimented with spending longer and longer times alone, and have been shocked by the happiness I have experienced.
This topic is, of course, political, like so many philosophical ideas, and there are those who don’t like hearing what I have to say! And after all, I’m not a preacher, just a shrink! David
A bit more: On the show, if I can remember, I’ll mention my experience with something I thought I needed, and I will also describe one or two of my happiest moments ever, both when I was alone.
Here are some things we sometimes think we “need” to feel happy and fulfilled.
• Love
• Social interaction
• Success / status
• Intelligence / achievement
• Approval
• Perfection
• Shining objects: fancy car, nice house, gorgeous partner
• Respect
• Skill, talent
• Physical attractiveness
Can you add to this list?
All the best, David
Hi David
I am not sure, if you just asked TP this question.
But I would like to add to this list:
– Freedom. Internal and external.
Some of my absolut happiest moments where, when I had no responsibilities, no material to worry about and I could go wherever I wanted to for as long as I liked.
The ultimate freedom!!
Many greetings
Caroline
Thanks, Carolyn, so true! Best, david
Hey David. I have a question that I want to ask you. I want to know your thoughts about attachment styles and if they exist or not? I apologize in advance if a similar question was already asked. I’m just curious what your take on it. Thanks for taking the time and energy to read and replying. Bobby.
Thanks so much for your rather sophisticated question. Here’s my take on it, for what it’s worth. Models like this don’t actually “exist.” It’s more a matter of whether the model is useful to you, and whether it is grounded in truly valid research. My impression of “attachment styles” is that, to my elderly ear, it sounds kind of cult-like, and the likelihood that it’s grounded in state of the art psychometric analysis is minimal at best. But of course, it has LOTS of groupies and enthusiasts, that’s for sure. Sadly, I’m not one of them, and I apologize. And heck, whatever floats your boat, right? If it turns you on and adds meaning to your life, and helps you, that’s totally cool! Warmly, david
Dear Daviid, I have a question. How do I get my dignity and self respect back after all the crazy stuff I thought or the states of minds I went inot. Everyone says I am making too much out of everything. How do I not exagerrate and blow things out of proportion
There are so many approaches. One might be to write down your negative thoughts and identify the distortions in them, like Self-Blame, and the many other thinking errors. Then ask yourself, “Would I say something like this to a dear friend who was hurting?” What would I say to a dear friend? Would I be willing to talk to myself in the same caring way? Best, david