May 30th, 2022
Our recent Ask David with Dr. Matthew May included a question on the Acceptance Paradox that triggered many enthusiastic email responses, and people were asking for more on this topic. Rhonda read several, including an email from Jeff who finally “got” the Acceptance Paradox and grasped the meaning of the “Great Death” of the Self. So, today, we’re dedicating the entire hour to this topic.
In addition, I’m including a link to a partial draft of a manuscript I’m working on entitled “25 Paths to Self-Acceptance.” It’s fragmentary and far from complete, but does include some potentially useful ideas and techniques, including a vignette with a quiz about a woman from South Los Angeles who experienced what I call “instantaneous enlightenment” during one of my 5-day psychotherapy intensives several years ago at the South San Francisco Conference Center near the San Francisco airport. (LINK TO MS)
First, here’s what a listener named Jeff wrote after the previous podcast.
Ah! I F-I-N-A-L-L-Y get what you’re saying. I’ve pondered this death of “self” for quite a while after reading Feeling Great and it finally sunk in.
Saying “I want to improve myself” or “become a better person” is nonsensical. It’s like there’s an amorphous ghost “self” that I want to somehow “improve” or make “more worthwhile.” But it’s all made up. There is no actual “self.” Meaning, I can improve skills I have – but my “self” won’t be better. My skills might be – but there’s no “self” to improve. I can improve my juggling skills but never my “self.” Wow.
Even when it comes to flaws, I can see that they’re also very specific. I don’t have a flawed “self” or a bad “self.” I may have certain flaws but there’s no “I” or “self” to be flawed or worthless.
It took me a long time to see it – but now that I do, how awesome it is to stop having to IMPROVE myself. Instead, I can just let go of “my self.”
Thank you for the response and the additional information. That is so helpful! !
During today’s show, a number of vignettes illustrating acceptance were shared, including a man from the CIA who was intensely ashamed because he didn’t have a sense of humor, and all of the men he worked with loved to hang out during breaks at work telling jokes and laughing. He pretended to laugh, but inwardly felt ashamed and inadequate, and was telling himself that he was inferior, or defective because he didn’t have a sense of humor.
His enlightenment came during role-playing with a powerful technique called the Externalization of Voices. David played his Positive Self, and the patient, in the role of his Negative Self said this to David:
Patient, in the role of his Negative Self: You know, you’re really inferior because you don’t have a sense of humor. You’re not a real man!
David in the role of the Positive Self, responded like thi:s.Well, you know, you’re right. And in fact, I have tons of flaws. My lack of a sense of humor is just the tip of the iceberg!
This struck the patient as incredibly funny, and he began laughing uncontrollably for several minutes and almost feel out of his chair.
Then David said, “Not bad for someone with no sense of humor,” and that triggered even more laughter.
That’s why it’s called the Acceptance Paradox. The very moment when you accept yourself, exactly as you are, warts and all, everything—all your perceptions of yourself and the world—are suddenly transformed, and your freed from the prison you’d been in for many years, or possibly for your entire life.
Let me spell out what happened. For many years, my patient had been struggling with his lack of a sense of humor, and the harder he fought, the tighter the trap become. He could not change, and his life had become grim, and he felt inadequate and ashamed, thinking he wasn’t a “real man,” which seemed awful!
The very moment he “gave up” and accepted the fact that he had no sense of humor, he suddenly found his sense of humor, and laughed uncontrollably for several minutes.
That’s what I mean when I say that acceptance is the greatest CHANGE a human being can make–and that’s a gigantic paradox. Can you see that now?
One important focus of the show was debunking the many reasons people have for resisting Self-Acceptance, such as:
- If I accept myself, I’ll just be ordinary, or below average, and I won’t be special.
- Acceptance is a slippery slope. If I accept something bad about myself, or some awful thing I did, I might end up doing something immoral or wrong.
- If I did something immoral or wrong, or even if I screwed up and failed to achieve my goals, I deserve to suffer.
- If people see that I’m flawed or “less than,” they’ll judge me.
- If I accept myself, I’ll lose my motivation to learn, to grow, and to improve myself.
- If I accept myself, I’ll have to lower my standards. I may be unhappy, even miserable at times, but at least I have high standards!
- When I beat up on myself, it shows that I’m honest about my flaws.
- If I accept myself, I will end up accepting the fact that I might really be inferior!
In addition to addressing these concerns, Matt, Rhonda and David contrasted healthy vs unhealthy acceptance. For example, unhealthy acceptance is associated with feelings of depression, shame, hopelessness, paralysis, loneliness and cynicism. Healthy acceptance, in contrast, is associated with the exact opposite feelings of joy, pride, hope, creativity, intimacy, and laughter.
Matt pointed out that most, and conceivably all people who resist acceptance are not “seeing” something potentially incredible and life-changing.
David pointed out that the “Great Death” of the “self” that the Buddha described more than 2500 years ago is not really the “death” that people fear, but is really the “Great Rebirth.” When you “lose” your “self,” you actually lose nothing, because there was nothing there in the first place. But you gain the world, along with liberation from your suffering.
And that’s every bit as true today as it was at the time of the Buddha!
Thanks for joining us today.
Rhonda, Matt, and David
Rhonda and I are convinced that Dr. May is one of the greatest therapists on the planet earth. If you have a question or would like to contact Dr. May, please check out his website at: www.matthewmaymd.com
Dr. Rhonda Barovsky practices in Walnut Creek, California, in person and via Zoom, and can be reached at rhonda@feelinggreattherapycenter.com. She is a Level 5 Certified TEAM-CBT therapist and trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Check out her website: www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com.
You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.
This is the cover of my new book, Feeling Great.
It’s on sale right now on Amazon, and it’s ridiculously cheap!
The kindle and audio versions are available now too! Check it out!
What a “memorial” podcast this was!!! I was so impressed with the recap of your interaction with the radiologist – your suggestion that he obtain additional training and his willingness to do so. You saved his career and the wellbeing of many patients that would have suffered as a result of his deficiencies in that area. Thankfully he obtained the training that was required and is now very providing a great service to all. I was also taken aback when you mentioned the late, great Dr. Allbert Ellis! (Another NYer). I am a “student” of CBT and love reading his books and watching his YouTube sessions (Warning – he can get very “salty” during them.) Best regards always – edg
Thanks, edg! Warmly, davvid
Hi Rhonda, David & Matt!
Another fascinating podcast! Not sure that I am adding anything but perhaps if we think of “becoming” it could be helpful in understanding your idea of “enlightenment.” My understanding is that every day I am changing and becoming a miniscule bit different than I was a day ago, or a moment ago. Even the activities I engage in affect my brain cells and my muscles and probably other parts of me. If we think of a small baby it’s easier to understand but I suspect that the the amazing change and growth that happens for babies and small children is still accessible at much older ages if (and only if?) we believe it to be possible and make the choices to encourage the change in the directions we choose. It’s just that as we age the rate of change is often slower. Perhaps this is rubbish, perhaps there’s a grain of something useful. Now that I have caught up on old podcasts, I look forward to Mondays to hear the latest & greatest, Thanks for your hard work/fun! All the best!
Yrd, thanks. We are all rapidly and constantly changing at every minute of every day! Warmly, david
I think your podcast discussions are so interesting, educational, authentic, and supportive; the way all of you share your personal knowledge and experiences helps us better understand mental health issues and options to manage our own. Regarding this episode, I have a question about the unhealthy acceptance behavior of paralysis. Is paralysis the same as resistance and procrastination? Do you have any suggestions for replacing it with positive forms of acceptance, so we can maximize our health by taking realistic and successful actions. It is such an honor to opportunity to interact with you.
Sincerely,
Daniella Murphy
Thanks, Daniella. Your question is really interesting, but it is also on a general level. The paralysis of non-acceptance can take many shapes, but one is where you avoid moving forward with some potentially interesting project because of your fear of failure, or disapproval. and so forth. My onw position is that I get tons of creative ideas every day and I share many with colleagues. About 90% of them are rejected for this or that reason, but that does not bother me because if I get one good idea out of ten, that’s a home run for me. So I am perfectly happy to share this or that idea and have them rejected. This, to me, is healthy acceptance, and it makes me more enthusiastic and motivated, and willing to take risks. Like right now, this might not speak to your particular problem, in which case I may be failing or wasting time. So what?
Resistance is related, but again it is many faceted. People often resist change and that is a major focus of TEAM-CBT. There are four forms of Outcome Resistance and four forms of Process Resistance, and all 8 tlype of resistance are different, and handled a bit differently.
If you give me some specifics about a problem you have, I could perhaps give a more useful and focused answer! Warmly, david
Thank you, so much! I will do that. Should I email you, or reply here?
Your choice! d
Dear David, I stopped resisting my real self today and stopped living in the past or thinking too many ways.to try and do what others want me to. do. I found that the ruminations and obsessing stopped as well as self doubt, beating myself up, living in my head, dwelling on things, stopped seeking approval, too much validation, reassurance. None of this is what I had wanted so when I gave that up the need or purpose for them all left. I tried so many other ways to stop and then asked myself what was really underneath it all and it was just me wanting to be my real self. I kind of find it amusing that it took me three years to do what I have done after reading your post. I thought if I didn;t do all these things somehow I wouldn`t be able to get out of stuff or do something immoral or go crazy. However, my real self doesn do these things so I have a win win situation because none of my faulty reasoning, beliefs or fears or other thinking of hanging on to the irrational made sense. Hard to believe I was like that. It was all so neurotic and for no good reason. My family will be glad to have me back. It was really all very self centered too and that is just not me. Kind of felt like an alien in me even though I knew it was all me doing it. I have to say your posts hit home and get to the chase fast because therapy made me worse. I for one am grateful for your work. I just have to figure out what to do with myself now.
Yes, when you feel “reborn” than you have an exciting new world to explore! david
Yes, it just meant letting go of the pathology and not having that as a self or psychology as a self Really was giving up the repitition compulsion to keep repeating the same things that weren working just to feel stable for awhile. Now I can think normally again. The best part is not living in fear of harming someone for no reason and not having compulsions. I can chose freely. The past feels past. I accepted me and I love it.
So nice to hear that. Happy for you! d
Love this! I feel like I am in therapy listening to these podcasts…learning so much. Had a thought about when a client is resistant to accept himself. Does it help to encourage the client to accept himself but work on those things about himself that he is not happy with, work on his skills as was stated? Wondering if that might reduce resistance. Thank you all…you are helping other therapists tremendously!
Thanks, Sylvia. You are welcome to join my free weekly training group at Stanford if you’re interested. We teach many techniques to deal with resistance, but finding a way to “help” is perhaps not the most effecitve approach, at least in my experience. Warmly, david