Podcast 264 October 18, 2021, Featuring Thai-An Truong
How to Get Laid! (With a Little Help from the Five Secrets of Effective Communication)
One of our top TEAM-CBT teachers and therapists, Thai-An Truong, LPC, LADC from Oklahoma City, is featured in today’s podcast. Thai-An is the owner of Lasting Change Therapy, LLC, a TEAM-CBT group practice in Oklahoma that focuses on using TEAM-CBT to help women overcome depression, anxiety, and relationship problems, so they can live happier lives and have more satisfying relationships. She is passionate about working with postpartum women after overcoming her own personal struggles with postpartum depression and anxiety. She is also passionate about spreading TEAM-CBT and training therapists in this awesome treatment approach.
Thai-An suggested a podcast on how one could use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication to deal with critical comments from your spouse or partner during marital conflicts. She submitted specific examples from several troubled couples she has worked with, and Rhonda submitted an example as well.
- Wife continues to bring up things that needs to be addressed, e.g., baby’s medical needs, how he needs to set boundaries with his mom, precautions to take because of the pandemic.
Husband says: “All you do is talk about stressful things. You don’t even care about being romantic anymore.”
Wife’s typical response: “How can I be romantic with you when you aren’t doing what you need to for our family?”
- Sex often comes up with every couple, and the criticism is typically from the husband, as in the first couple and this second couple as well.
Husband says: “You never want to have sex. It’s like we’re roommates instead of husband and wife.”
Wife’s typical response: “I’m tired, and I can’t just get in the mood when you haven’t been nice to me all day.”
- This couple had been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby.
The wife was very critical of her husband and said: “If it wasn’t for you, I’d have a baby. I should have married someone else.”
Husband’s response: He said nothing and walked away.
- Infidelity: In this couple, the wife had an affair three years ago and the husband continues to bring it up when they get into arguments.
Husband says: “Oh, you say I’m so bad because I did x. How about you cheating on me? You’re the one who did the worst possible thing, and I can never trust you again.”
Her typical response: “It’s been 3 years, why can’t you just let it go so we can move on with our lives? I’m tired of you throwing this shit in my face all the time.”
During the podcast, we critiqued the responses to the criticisms in these four cases, using the EAR algorithm. It was easy to point out that the responses of the partner who was criticized typically failed in all three categories:
- No effective E = Empathy.
- No effective A = Assertiveness.
- No effective R = Respect.
We also spelled out the consequences of these responses to criticism, and showed how the respondents were actually forcing their spouses to treat them in exactly the way they were complaining about.
Then we used the “Intimacy Exercise” to practice more effective responses, based on the Five Secrets. This is, by far, the best way to learn the Five Secrets.
Your Turn to Practice
Now, here’s another example that Thai-An provided, and you, the listener, can practice with it. This wife was talking about how her friend had hurt her feelings. The husband typically goes into the advice-giving and problem-solving mode.
Her criticism: “You suck at listening. I don’t need you to fix it.”
His typical response: “I’m just trying to help.”
First, see if you can explain why the husband’s response was ineffective, using the EAR acronym.
Ask yourself:
- Did he use E = Empathy and acknowledge how she was thinking and feeling?
- Did he use A = Assertiveness and express how he was feeling at that moment?
- Did he use R = Respect to convey some warmth, respect, or love during the heat of battle?
Next, ask yourself about the consequences of his response. What will his wife think? What will she conclude? How will she feel? How will she likely respond to his defensiveness?
Finally, put yourself in his shoes and see if you can write out a more effective response, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication
Thanks!
Rhonda, Thai-An, and David
For more information about Thai-An’s TEAM-CBT group practice, visit www.lastingchangetherapy.com. For information about receiving TEAM-CBT training with Thai-An, visit www.teamcbttraining.com. Through her training website, you can sign up for her free TEAM-CBT webinars, which are held every other month, and learn more about her upcoming TEAM-CBT Conference in Oklahoma, which will be from March 30-April 1, 2022.
Dr. Rhonda Barovsky practices in Walnut Creek, California. She sees clients mostly via Zoom, and in her office. She can be reached at rhonda@feelinggreattherapycenter.com. She is a Level 4 Certified TEAM-CBT therapist and trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Check out her new website: www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com.
You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.
This is the cover of my new book, Feeling Great. The kindle and audio versions are available now too!
It’s currently on sale at Amazon and ridiculously cheap! Act fast if you want a copy!
Dear Podcast team, I had to pause the podcast at minute 29, David had just said “it’s all on the person who asked for help, if the other person had asked it would’ve been all on them” which really squeezed my melon, but hey, that’s how you make melon juice, because I finally got it AGAIN, I finally understood that it’s exactly like a classic CBT situation like a “describe an upsetting event” in a daily mood log except that it’s in the middle of a relationship with all that relationship Razzle Dazzle. Which is really confusing. But because it’s EXACTLY LIKE a classic CBT situation in that there isn’t anything inherently good or bad about the situation except what you think about it. Now granted it’s a little bit more complicated than that but not much. And because it’s a relationship it’s soooo easy to get seduced out of framing the situation with this kind of clarity. Am I making sense? Because if you can do this, it will pull your head out of your behind. Which will grant you profound relief. And no you can’t magically change any of the things leading up to the interaction but you can move forward with new freedom. In this new freedom for instance blame is a none issue, not if you’re moving forward, not if you want to get closer, but I think I’m starting to generalize and that’s a big mistake. I have a situation I can’t do anything about ostensibly, except pull my head out of my behind! And let me tell you people, it doesn’t mean there will be a happy ending it means something much better, freedom, true freedom. Oh dear, I don’t think this made much sense. Well, I will steel myself for the rest of the podcast! Oh one last point! Remember how I wrote “I finally got it AGAIN” it’s true, in the past I feel I’ll understand what you are trying to teach and then I not practice it, and you must practice to really make this something for yourself. A relationship situation will have very powerful motivational forces, maybe much more than other situations. Practice! Practice! Practice! Oh the relationship journal seemed so magical after this podcast when I looked at it! Let the clarification begin! And also a profound thanks to David, Rhonda and Thai-An for this podcast because it has helped me with several really really difficult situations.
Sincerely
Rob
Thanks, Rob! david
Hi FG Podcast Team, I just wanted to add a PS to the other comment I left. I’m now at minute 31 of this wonderful podcast when I had to stop it again! David had just brought up the 5 secrets. The five secrets are great, they are hard to master and it certainly is a process getting better and better using them, but a really important aspect of using a Relationship Journal is how great it is to untangle your own thoughts and feelings about an interaction you’ve had. I was describing this as getting your head out of your behind and this is a good description but I feel it’s important to say how well getting that clarity positions you to move forward. I hope I master the 5 secrets someday, I believe I will but in the meantime, I’m in such a better and freer place by getting clarity about my relationships even though I may not be that skilled in moving forward optimally, my clarity, understanding my motivations, my clarity affecting my motivations or changing my motivations ( for instance to want to stop blaming someone) make it possible for me to be different going forward and in a much much better place even though, like with CBT nothing has changed but my thoughts about a situation.
I hope this makes sense!
Thanks again David, Rhonda and Thai-An for a wonderful podcast! I will finish it I swear!
Rob
Thanks again, Rob! d
Hey David I have been an avid follower of your content for quite some time now. I have dove incredibly deep into an anxiety disorder i have here recently trying to find answers. It’s mostly driven around depersonalization that I’ve been feeling. I go throughout my day sort of numb to the people around me including my wife and now newborn daughter. And the feelings I do have are that of worry and hopelessness towards gruesome images in my head about hurting myself or others. I don’t want to have those thoughts and they sometimes cause me to believe I’m going crazy or I did permanent damage to myself and that I’ll never get better which makes me feel even worse.. I’ve never been a violent person nor have I ever had a constant “self hate”. I kind of noted it as having a phobia of going crazy. I’ve tried a little bit of exposure therapy and diving into numerous programs and i haven’t had much luck. I did good for about a week but had a setback that really threw me for a loop. Any ideas on how I can overcome these problems. I’m pretty desperate for my newborns sake and the sake of my family. Thank you for everything you do.
Thanks. I did write a book on this, When Panic Attacks, and there is a free anxiety class on my website, and the search function on my website gives great results for OCD, anxiety, and so forth. Did you want me to answer your question, or did you want to check out those resources first? d