Feedback from last week’s workshop from the woman who provided the example of a political conflict with her mother:
Hi David and Fabrice,
I listened to the podcast on the way to work today, I loved it! Felt honored by the kind attention David and Fabrice gave to this.
Using the 5 secrets has led to a much healthier and loving relationship with my mom, and her Xmas visit was so much nicer than others have been, because I understood so much more about what her political stance means to her. I think it is a way for her to stay connected to my dad, who died 5 years ago–they loved to talk about politics together, though he was as brainwashed as she is. 😉
That allowed me to realize that her vote for Trump, and her failure to understand how horrifying he is, wasn’t a personal swipe at me. It was about longing and connection, and although it seems twisted to me, her Faux news/Alex Jones/Sean Hannity group on TV is a reliable community for her.
Anyway, I think she felt more loved and accepted and valued when she stayed with us this year, and I feel really great about that. Thank you all for the guidance and great teaching!
Eileen
Thanks so much for that wonderful note, Eileen! . . . And now for today’s show!
You CAN Defeat Shyness!
Lately, I’ve gotten lots of emails from podcast fans who struggle with shyness, which is categorized in DSM5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as “Social Anxiety Disorder.” This is one of my favorite things to treat, since I struggled with practically EVERY type of social anxiety early in my life, so I really know how it feels and how to defeat it. It’s incredibly common. In fact, when I give workshops for mental health professionals, I sometimes ask how many of them have struggled with shyness or public speaking anxiety, and nearly all the hands go up.
This podcast will be the first of several on this topic, because it’s so common and relatively easy to overcome–IF you have the courage!
Here the are several different “flavors” of social anxiety recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, including:
- Shyness
- Public Speaking Anxiety
- Performance Anxiety (such as intense anxiety during a musical or athletic performance)
- Shy Bladder (or Bowel) Syndrome. This is the fear of peeing or pooing in a public restroom, for fear you’ll freeze up or make too much noise and others will notice.
- Test Anxiety
One common theme is the fear that others will notice your anxiety or poor performance and judge you. Another common source of suffering is shame of feeling like you are inherently flawed and will be seen as defective or even as insane by others. Sometimes, these fears become so extreme that they can significantly interfere with relationships and leisure-time activities as well as work.
Dan is a podcast fan who courageously immigrated to the United States from Iran as a young man. When he arrived in America, he had little education and almost no knowledge of English. He also suffered from an extreme case of acne, which eventually cleared up, but left him with severe social anxiety.
In spite of these problems, Dan worked hard, learned English, and became a top student in college and in graduate school as well, and went on to develop an excellent career. But in certain performance situations, such as public speaking or interacting with strangers, he panics and trembles and his heart races; his mouth twitches and his voice gets shaky, and he has thoughts like these:
- I’m about to lose control over myself.
- Others will see my symptoms and think I’m mentally insane.
- In spite of making Herculean efforts to control these symptoms, I have failed.
- I will never overcome this.
- I am defective for life.
- I will lose my job.
David and Fabrice remind listeners that they cannot treat anyone through a podcast, and that there are large numbers of treatment techniques that can be extremely helpful in the context of a compassionate and skillful therapeutic relationship. Since Dan is seeing an excellent therapist, they suggest and illustrate five powerful Interpersonal Exposure Techniques that Dan might want to do under the supervision of his therapist, including:
- The Survey Technique
- Self-Disclosure
- The Experimental Technique
- Shame Attacking Exercises
- The Feared Fantasy Technique
David and Fabrice also discuss how to address patient and therapist fears of using powerful exposure techniques, and how the avoidance of exposure can sabotage the treatment. They describe four techniques David as developed to help therapists with this, including:
- Dangling the Carrot
- The Gentle Ultimatum
- Sitting with Open Hands
- Fallback Position
David describes “Reverse Hypnosis.” This is where the patient hypnotizes the therapist into giving up on exposure thinking that it is “too dangerous,” or that the patient isn’t “ready” or is “too fragile.”
And speaking of anxiety, listeners might want to consider the upcoming workshop by David and his colleague, Dr. Jill Levitt, on the treatment of anxiety disorders on May 19, 2019. Check it out below!
Also, I promised to post my list of 100 Shame Attacking Exercises, so here it is! It’s not perfect, so please have low expectations. It does have some value.
Thanks. Stay tuned for more on Social Anxiety in future podcasts!
David
Dr. Fabrice Nye currently practices in Redwood City, California and treats individuals throughout the world (but not across U.S. state lines) via teletherapy. You can reach him at fabrice@life.net. You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com. If you like our jingle music and would like to support the composer Brett Van Donsel, you may download it here.
I’ve heard a lot of people complain about their in laws or parents political leanings. It’s always around the theme, that they are so far off from having a proper outlook. They are watching the wrong news shows (always Fox News) and the parent is always the one with the flawed view. Should we consider this outlook of the child in this case as perhaps “all or nothing thinking” “magnification” or “overgeneralization”? For example to think of a parent as brainwashed or Fox News as the only network that provides fake news seems to be quite an overgeneralization. Perhaps the child could consider there is a lot of common ground that could be covered. There is more to politics and policy issues than who is president at the time. What advice to you have for the child to consider the others point of view? Maybe have them run through the common patterns of distortion when reacting to their parents point of view?
Betty, Thanks for the excellent and thoughtful ideas! You ask what advice I have for the child . . . I don’t give advice, but if you have a personal example, and want to fill out the first two steps of the Relationship Journal–what, exactly, did the other person say to you, and what exactly did you say next, then the world will kind of open up! You can learn more about this approach in my book, Feeling Good Together. All the best, david
I really appreciated the list of ideas for shame attacking exercises. Since I am struggling with social anxiety myself I came up with a few ideas of my own:
Walk in a crowded place with both arms fully extended to the sides
Walk in a crowded place jumping every step (I don’t know what it’s called in english, since I’m not a native speaker, but I hope you can picture what I mean)
Jump up and down while waiting for a train
Rotate around your own axis on a crowded place
Send an email and make some really obvious spelling mistakes
Mispronounce a word
Send a text to the wrong person or post it in the wrong group
Yes, these are all great! Thanks, Laura! david
Hi Dr. David, regarding shame attacking exercise, how does one know which act is acceptable and which is not, who decides the standard?
I checked the list of shame attacking exercises, I live in an Arab country. Things on the list could get me arrested. Is there are better way to overcoming anxiety?
Absolutely, there are tons of them! d
Please be specific. d
Hello Mr. Burns
First I’d like to say that your book really inspired me and really made me feel good:) and I can’t wait to read the new one as well. I have one question. Unfortunately I don’t have a regular income to afford going to a therapist and I was wondering if it’s possible to battle with social anxiety on my own? Do you have any suggestions for this path?
There is a free anxiety class on my website. You can read When Panic Attacks, or Intimate Connections. I am working now on an app, too. Thanks!
Use the search function on my website and type in “social anxiety” or shyness and you’ll get many links on website.
david
Is there a cure for assuming that people with conservative views are entirely deluded, and have no valid points whatsoever, while you yourself are entirely enlightened? Seems to also be a problem.
Hi Jennifer, You bet, you’re absolutely right! We are polarized in an All-or-Nothing Thinking manner, the entire country almost! I was raised in Phoenix in a super conservative culture, and now am way more on the liberal side of things, but still see immense value in conservative values, too. When I was young, I even got an award from the Freedoms Foundation at Valley Forge. I find the current state of affairs in our country intensely distressing, as I’m sure many on both sides of the political “divide” feel the same way. Historically, extremist movements in the world have often taken over, with disastrous and cruel results. I am babbling, so will stop. But thanks for your note! david
Thank you David. It is honestly mind-boggling to me how so many people, including psychologists, only focus on giving tips for how to handle “those conservatives who are wrong about everything” without questioning the black-and-white attribution. There are fringe groups on both sides, as well as mostly centrists with valid concerns. Perhaps a CBT task could be, to watch Hannity a few times and write down at least one thing that seemed like a valid point. And that’s only one mainstream pundit. There are so many others who make brilliant, sensible points. Playwright David Mamet engaged in that kind of exercise with an “unenlightened” conservative friend and guess what he became?
Thanks David and friends.
Good idea, find some truth in what the “enemy” is saying!
Might have helped with the Muslims, too, instead of demonizing them! There is great value in their religious beliefs, but many see only the extremism, without the immense value of so many of the core values. Sadly, many people want and benefit from conflict and demonizing others. In fact, that tendency toward moral superiority exists in varying degrees, in all of us, but it some people it becomes extreme. I am babbling idiotic obviousnesses, so will stop.
d
In fact, you might like the podcast on the positive distortions that trigger violence, mania and ward. Your question points to this distortion. david
Thanks Dr. Burns, I enjoy your down-to-earth approach to these issues. Listening to your vocal inflection and delivery, at times I could swear I am listening to Dr. Hartley (Bob Newhart); I mean that as a compliment. Many thanks for sharing your years of experience.
Thanks Steve! Warmly, David (aka “Bob”)
I have a similar list, I just call it social freedom exercises: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K7NPcm18WTa0HhgIdMlaWkWyyP35mx3wDRI7vN-wiLo/edit
Thanks, very cool! david