In this short podcast, David and Fabrice address a question submitted by a listener who benefitted from his book, Feeling Good Together. She wants to know whether the same EAR techniques described in that book could help her deal more effectively with a defiant, oppositional child. Dr. Burns reveals a fantastically helpful secret that he and his wife stumbled across in raising their own children. If you have ever struggled in your attempts to deal with an oppositional child or adolescent, you will find this podcast enlightening!
019: Ask David — The Defiant Child: A Secret All Parents Should Know
by Dr. Burns | Jan 16, 2017 | Feeling Good™ Podcasts, Podcast | 6 comments
Dear Dr. Burns,
I already had the wonderful opportunity of asking you a question about how to interact with loved ones who put themselves down and using the Five Secrets in such situations – which I’m practising assiduously.
The topic “defiant child” reminds me of another question; namely, of “defiant” parents in the shape of so-called helicoptering ones.
More and more often, I’m seeing articles crop up on helicopter parents who want the best for their kids and on helicoptered children who become anxious or depressed, and who struggle to cope with knocks in life as adults. I would love to hear your opinion on this helicoptering phenomenon, and how helicoptered adults can deal with parents who continue to interfere with their lives.
Best regards to you and Dr. Nye,
Thanks, Sandra. Reading my book, Feeling Good Together, and doing the written exercises, will show you how to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication to respond far more effectively in any kind of conflict or annoying situation. This will provide a systematic approach to improving your relationships with anyone, rather than having one formula for this problem, and another formula for that problem, and so forth. Thanks for the cool question! I have found, personally, that mastering the Five Secrets is very challenging, and takes a lot of work and commitment, but can be enormously rewarding. All the best, David
Dear Dr. Burns,
Thank you very much for your reply!
From what you indicated, helicoptering seems to be the result of miscommunication. I’m getting the impression that tons of people – myself included – are terrible communicators! Ironically, I studied Communications as part of my curriculum. I have learnt far more about communicating thanks to your books, website and wonderful podcasts than I did during the coursework for obtaining my degree. I’ve realised that even for job-hunting the Five Secrets are valuable – something so many graduates have never heard of once they leave university and stumble around the job market with anxious parents hovering over them.
There should be a workshop/course about the Five Secrets at each and every university which prepares people for the lifelong practice of the Five Secrets.
Thanks, Sandra, I wholeheartedly agree with your comments! Warmly, david
I love the technique of parents supporting each other. I also felt that what you said about patents placing the higher goal of a child’s needs above feeding off hostility is where the challenge lies. I would also like to add that sometimes mothers in particular, in India, support their husband’s decisions overtly and covertly act in a different way so a mixed message goes to the child.
Thanks for the awesome techniques you always share, it’s very helpful! I’ve signed up with Dipti for level 1 training and am awfully excited to learn more!
Thanks for the lovely note and insight! Please give Dipti my regards, Good luck in your training! d