Practically all of us have a friend, colleague, client, customer or family member we aren’t getting along with very well. Perhaps the difficult person in your life is excessively critical of you, complains constantly, won’t express his or her feelings, always has to be right, or never listens to you. Does anyone come to mind?
In this podcast, David and Fabrice discuss five communication secrets that can rapidly transform conflict and misunderstanding into intimacy and trust. David describes an experience that suddenly changed the direction of his life and career when he was working with an insecure medical student from England early in his career. The Five Secrets of Effective Communication can be remembered using the acronym, EAR:
E = Empathy
- The Disarming Technique: You find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems illogical, self-serving, distorted, or just plain “wrong.”
- Thought and Feeling Empathy: You summarize what the other person just said (Thought Empathy) and acknowledge how he or she is probably feeling, given what he or she just said (Feeling Empathy)
- Inquiry: You as gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.
A = Assertiveness
- “I Feel” Statements: You express your own feelings and ideas openly according to the formula, “I’m feeling X, Y, and Z right now,” where are X, Y and Z refer to any of a wide variety of feeling words, such as anxious, attacked, hurt, or sad.
R = Respect
- Affirmation (formerly called Stroking): You convey warmth, caring and respect, even in the heat of battle
David and Fabrice also describe the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and emphasize the incredible power of the Law of Opposites, with a vignette about a severely depressed patient who told David that he was “too young to be my doctor.”
Hi David, I was wondering what your thoughts are about using the five secrets when in communication with someone who may not be coming from a place of love or respect, or someone who might weaponize your vulnerability, such as someone with narcissistic tendencies? Thank you, I appreciate you and all you do to make the world a kinder and gentler place.
Thanks! Exactly! d
Hi David, I was wondering what your thoughts are about using the five secrets when in communication with someone who may not be coming from a place of love or respect, or someone who might weaponize your vulnerability, such as someone with narcissistic tendencies? Thank you, I appreciate you and all you do to make the world a kinder and gentler place.
Hi Gunjan, good question. Clearly, the Five Secrets need to be used in a thoughtful, not blind or formulaic manner. I have examples where they were effective even when kidnapped by a violent serial rapist, and many situations involving violent and aggressive individuals. But each situation is different. If you provided a specific example, that might help! The devil, as the say, and the learning, as I say, is always in the details!
Best, david
I am wondering about the same. I see comment was close to a year old. Can you please share with me if you were able to find an approach or if Dr. Burns had a chance to respond.
There are quite a few comments on this page. Do not know which one you are referring to. d
Very interesting worth acknowledging and applying to all aspects of work and life.