057: Interpersonal Model (Part 4) — “And It’s All Your Fault!” The Relationship Journal

057: Interpersonal Model (Part 4) — “And It’s All Your Fault!” The Relationship Journal

 

Podcast 57, “And It’s All Your Fault!” Interpersonal Therapy, Part 4

In the previous three podcasts, David and Fabrice have reviewed the “TEA” of TEAM (Testing, Empathy, and Agenda Setting) for troubled relationships. In this podcast, they describe the “M” = Methods of TEAM Therapy, which involves the Relationship Journal (RJ).

David emphasizes that the goal of the RJ is not simply to learn how to transform troubled, adversarial relationships into loving ones, but also how to achieve Interpersonal Enlightenment, which is the empowering but shocking realization that we are creating our own interpersonal reality—for better or worse—at every moment of every day! And although the reward of the RJ is greater love and joy in your daily living, the price is steep—it requires the death of the ego, which the Buddhists have called “the Great Death!”

Together, David and Fabrice walk you through the five steps in the RJ, using real examples of individuals David has worked with in his workshops for the general public or for mental health professionals. One vignette involves a woman who complained bitterly that her husband had been relentlessly critical of her for 25 years. She said she came to the workshop because she wanted to know why men are like that. She found out why her husband was so critical, but the answer was not the one she expected!

You can view her completed RJ if you click here.

The other vignette involved a minister’s wife who complained that her husband was overly “nice” and unable to deal with negative feelings. As a result, she said their marriage was superficial and lacking in intimacy. She discovered precisely why their relationship was superficial—but it wasn’t exactly the answer she was looking for!

 

If you are reading this blog on social media, I appreciate it! I would like to invite you to visit my website, http://www.FeelingGood.com, as well. There you will find a wealth of free goodies, including my Feeling Good blogs, my Feeling Good Podcasts with host, Dr. Fabrice Nye, and the Ask Dr. David blogs as well, along with announcements of upcoming workshops, and tons of resources for mental health professionals as well as patients!

Once you link to my blog, you can sign up using the widget at the top of the column to the right of each page. Please forward my blogs to friends as well, especially anyone with an interest in mood problems, psychotherapy, or relationship conflicts.

Thanks! David

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Exciting Events Soon! Plus a Discount for You!

Exciting Events Soon! Plus a Discount for You!

Dear Web visitors,

I would like to invite you to some exciting events coming up in the near future. My relationship workshops will take place in three east coast cities at the end of October, and the first will be live-streamed, so you can “attend” from anywhere in the world. Here’s a new development: When you register, if you use the code Burns50, you will receive a $50 discount. Not a bad deal! Here are the details:

“And It’s All Your Fault!” Transforming Troubled Relationships Into Loving Ones

October 30 – 31, 2017–Raleigh, NC: Double Tree Raleigh Brownstone-University
November 1 – 2, 2017–Atlanta, GA: Atlanta Marriott Century Center
November 3 – 4, 2017–Denver, CO: Double Tree by Hilton Denver-Westminster
For more information, click here, or contact IAHB, phone: 800-258-8411

The Raleigh workshop on Oct 30 – 31 INCLUDES A LIVE WEBCAST–
Click here for more information

In addition, my Feeling Good talk will be sponsored by Stanford and is free to Stanford-affiliated health professionals. Three is a $40 fee for the general public. I’ll be discussing CBT as well as the developments led to the birth of TEAM-CBT, with a dramatic video clip of a patient having a full-blown panic attack. You will see the actual moment of her recovery during the session!

I will also present some inspiring vignettes illustrating patient’s recoveries from severe depression and hopelessness. I’m honored to have this opportunity to present at Stanford! Here are the details.

Feeling Good
Friday, October 27, 2017, 8 to 10 AM
Stanford University Li Ka Shen Center, Room 130
For health professionals as well as the general public

Sponsored by the Stanford Health Promotion Network, this presentation by David D. Burns, M.D., will focus on fast, effective, drug-free treatments for depression and anxiety disorders. This event is free for Stanford-affiliated individuals and $40 for others who wish to attend. Click here for registration and more information

I sincerely hope you can join me for one of these exciting events!

All the best,

David

 

 

 

If you are reading this blog on social media, I appreciate it! I would like to invite you to visit my website, http://www.FeelingGood.com, as well. There you will find a wealth of free goodies, including my Feeling Good blogs, my Feeling Good Podcasts with host, Dr. Fabrice Nye, and the Ask Dr. David blogs as well, along with announcements of upcoming workshops, and tons of resources for mental health professionals as well as patients!

Once you link to my blog, you can sign up using the widget at the top of the column to the right of each page. Please forward my blogs to friends as well, especially anyone with an interest in mood problems, psychotherapy, or relationship conflicts.

Thanks! David

056: Interpersonal Model (Part 3) — “And It’s All Your Fault!” Interpersonal Decision-Making and Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis

056: Interpersonal Model (Part 3) — “And It’s All Your Fault!” Interpersonal Decision-Making and Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis

Podcast 56, “And It’s All Your Fault!” (Part 3)

David begins this podcast with a story of a psychiatric resident named Bob who was treating a divorced woman who complained bitterly about her ex, and constantly argued with him whenever he came to visit with the children.

Their relationship was clearly acrimonious, so Bob asked the woman if she wanted some help with the way she was communicating with her ex. She bristled and said that she was an attorney and that she could communicate just fine, thank you! Bob’s error was the same that many therapists make—of thinking that people with troubled relationships want help. Clearly, Bob’s patient was not asking for help. She just wanted Bob to agree that her ex was a bum!

In many cases, and perhaps most, individuals who aren’t getting along with someone—such as their spouse, sibling, parent, colleague, or friend—aren’t really asking for help. They just want to vent and persuade you to buy into their negative view of the person they aren’t getting along with. They just want you to know what a loser the other person is!

So how do we help people with troubled relationships? David emphasizes that empathy is always the first step. You try to see the world through the eyes of the patient without jumping in to try to “help.” Empathy, of course, is the “E” of TEAM therapy.

Once the person feels understood and supported, the next step is called Agenda Setting. That’s the A of TEAM. One of the most important tools in Agenda Setting for individuals with troubled relationships is to first ask, “Is this relationship conflict something you want help with?” In many cases, the patient will say no, so you can ask if there’s something else he or she wants to work on.

In the language of TEAM, this is called “Sitting with Open Hands.” The therapist has to let go of his or her attachment to “helping.” This is difficult for many therapists, due to the therapist’s compulsive urges to help.

If the patient does want help, the next step is called Interpersonal Decision-Making. You ask what kind of help the patient wants, and make it clear that the patient has three choices.

  1. To leave the relationship.
  2. To improve the relationship.
  3. To stay in the relationship and behave in a way that will guarantee that the relationship will remain miserable.

David emphasizes that the last choice is by far the most popular. The second most popular choice is the decision to leave the relationship. And occasionally, you’ll find a person who wants help improving the relationship. As you can see, Interpersonal Decision-Making is simply a more sophisticated way of asking the patient if she or he wants help!

If the answer is still yes, the next Agenda Setting step is the Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA). You can ask the patient something along these lines:

“Who, in your opinion, is more to blame for the problems in the relationship? You? Or the other person? And who, in your opinion, is the bigger jerk? You? Or the other person?”

At least 80% of the time, the patient will say, “the other person!” You may feel the same way if you’re in a conflict with someone right now. However, blame is the most formidable barrier to intimacy, so before we can continue with the treatment, this issue must be skillfully addressed, or the treatment will probably fail.

David and Fabrice guide the listener in doing a written Blame CBA, listing the advantages and disadvantages of blaming others for the problems in our relationships with them. They encourage you to pause the recording and to the written exercise during the podcast, but warn you not to do it if you are driving!

Then they discuss how to process the results of the Blame CBA. If you would like to see a completed Cost-Benefit Analysis, click here. As you can see, the weightings at the bottom have not been filled out, so you can do that for yourself if you like. Make sure you put two numbers that add up to 100 in the two circles. Put the larger number in the circle under the column that feels more desirable. For example, if the advantages of blame greatly outweigh the disadvantages, you might put a 70 in the circle on the left and a 30 in the circle on the right.

If the patient concludes that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, you can proceed to the M = Methods phase of the TEAM therapy session, which involves the Relationship Journal (RF). This is a powerful tool that David has designed to create interpersonal enlightenment and the death of the ego. David and Fabrice will discuss and illustrate the RJ in the next podcast.

If you are reading this blog on social media, I appreciate it! I would like to invite you to visit my website, http://www.FeelingGood.com, as well. There you will find a wealth of free goodies, including my Feeling Good blogs, my Feeling Good Podcasts with host, Dr. Fabrice Nye, and the Ask Dr. David blogs as well, along with announcements of upcoming workshops, and tons of resources for mental health professionals as well as patients!

Once you link to my blog, you can sign up using the widget at the top of the column to the right of each page. Please forward my blogs to friends as well, especially anyone with an interest in mood problems, psychotherapy, or relationship conflicts.

Thanks! David

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Latest Hiking Report

Latest Hiking Report

Hi friends and colleagues,

As you probably know, in addition to the volunteer teaching I do at Stanford each week, I also conduct Sunday morning hikes for therapists who want more time for personal work and practice with various TEAM-CBT techniques. The hikes generally last several hours, and are fabulous, but the “interior hiking” is what really makes them great experiences.

I was lucky to enjoy three hikes in the past week or so—two fabulous Sunday hikes, plus a Saturday hike, which was also great. We worked on so many topics and personal issues that I can’t recall all of them, but these were included:

  1. Therapy problems: How to work with extremely severe patients who are hungry for talking and support, but who resist taking responsibility for their lives, doing psychotherapy homework, or developing a meaningful agenda for their therapy sessions. This is one of the most important and frustrating issues in all of psychiatry and psychotherapy, and is the therapeutic dilemma that inspired me to create the new TEAM-CBT.
  2. Personal relationship problems: How to deal with someone who is pulling away from making a commitment to you, and giving you the run-a-round.
  3. Personal relationship problems: How to help someone who gets mad and resists your efforts when you try to help.
  4. Personal relationship problems: How to deal more skillfully with a romantic partner who I am pursuing and afraid of losing.
  5. Personal relationship problems: How to overcome the fear of rejection or being alone. AND how to help patients who have been rejected.
  6. Personal relationship problems: How to deal with a family member who won’t pay back borrowed money.
  7. Personal relationship problems: How to deal with fears of failing as a father. How to deal with your child’s criticisms, so you can transform a conflict into a deeper and more loving relationship.
  8. Personal insecurities: How to deal with fears of growing old and being alone and thinking you are simply “old and boring.”

If any of these themes interest you, let me know and perhaps I can post on some of them in a little more depth.

There was a lot more, but that will give you a feel for what we do on the hikes. The participation and experiences have been simply fantastic, due to the vulnerability, including the tears, and the compassion and fabulous teamwork people show on the hikes. This is my favorite way of hanging out with folks and getting to know people, and it really beats cocktail parties! Plus the extremely rapid changes we nearly always see make it seem like we are witnessing little miracles on each hike.

One of our beloved group members, Maryam Hamidi, has been taking great photos on Sundays, and in our Tuesday training group at Stanford, so I am including are some of them for you!

david

If you are reading this blog on social media, I appreciate it! I would like to invite you to visit my website, http://www.FeelingGood.com, as well. There you will find a wealth of free goodies, including my Feeling Good blogs, my Feeling Good Podcasts with host, Dr. Fabrice Nye, and the Ask Dr. David blogs as well, along with announcements of upcoming workshops, and resources for mental health professionals as well as patients!

Once you link to my blog, you can sign up using the widget at the top of the column to the right of each page. Please firward my blogs to friends as well, especially anyone with an interest in mood problems, psychotherapy, or relationshp conflicts.

Thanks! David