066: Five Secrets Training–The Disarming Technique

066: Five Secrets Training–The Disarming Technique

With Guest Expert, Helen Yeni-Komshian, MD

In this podcast, David, Helen and Fabrice focus on the Disarming Technique, which is the first of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. The definition of the Disarming Technique is finding truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems blatantly wrong, or illogical, or exaggerated. And it’s based on David’s Law of Opposites.

David brings the Law of Opposites to life with an example of what was perhaps the most devastating criticism he ever received from a patient. He was angry and defensive, and didn’t want to agree with his patient because he was absolutely convinced she was “wrong.” But on the weekend, while he was jogging, he suddenly saw the truth in her cutting remarks, and when he shared his insight with her the following session, the impact was immediate and dramatic.

The use of the Disarming Technique required the death of David’s ego–and that wasn’t easy, because he felt angry and ashamed. David points out that sometimes our patients (as well as family members or people in general) are trying to lash out at us, and want to hurt us, because they feel so frustrated, alone, and abandoned–and asks if we have the courage to let our egos die for them. Are we willing to listen and to see the world through their eyes? This can be exceedingly challenging, and you may not be able to use this, or the other Five Secrets, effectively unless you have a powerful desire to produce some healing and to get close to the people you’re at odds with.

Helen gives a striking example of the power of the Disarming Technique in a case of family member who was complaining about bad drivers. This annoyed her because she was telling herself, “He shouldn’t complain.  He should keep a pleasant atmosphere in the car and ignore bad drivers!” But acting on this impulse only made the problem worse. She explains how hard it can be to use the Disarming Technique when you’re feeling annoyed, but illustrates the transformative power of a skillful disarming statement.

David says that the Disarming Technique is by far the most important and difficult of the Five Communication techniques, and explains how he worked for thirty minutes a day, for two months, to learn how to do it after he created this technique!

The homework assignment for this week will be to use the Disarming Technique on at least one occasion every day in your interactions with others. You can start out by saying something like “You’re right . . . ” or “I agree with you that . . . .”

He gives an example of how he once did this when riding home from work to on the commuter train when he lived in Philadelphia. He sat next to an exceedingly hostile man who bristling and angry, and complaining bitterly about just about everything.

Fabrice and I hope you enjoy our Podcasts, and also hope you can leave some positive comments for us and some five star ratings if you like what we’re doing!

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The Five Secrets and Legal Stuff: Shouldn’t I Defend Myself?

The Five Secrets and Legal Stuff: Shouldn’t I Defend Myself?

Hi visitors and FeelingGood.com members,

I will be featuring the Disarming Technique on an upcoming Feeling Good Podcast shortly, along with the other four Secrets of Effective Communication. Most people resist using the Five Secrets, especially the Disarming Technique, fearing they’ll look “weak” or that something bad will happen if they empathize and find the truth in what the critic is saying. So they continue to argue and defend themselves, and of course the conflicts will simply escalate.

Is this concern realistic?

I just got an amazing email from an Ob-Gyn colleague who had to participate in a legal deposition, and he decided to use the Five Secrets. See what you think! He kindly gave me permission to publish it in a blog.

Hi David,

This may be silly but I thought to share!

I have just come from a deposition as a plaintiff’s expert. I have given several expert testimonies before. As you know, depositions can be brutal, particularly in obstetric alleged mismanagement and newborn injury.

In my last two depositions, based on Katie’s (my wife’s) suggestion, I implemented empathy (the Five Secrets of Effective Communication) with the opposing attorney, even though I thought empathy with a lawyer would be more doltish than negotiating with a shark! I had previously thought of the situation as a dichotomy, in terms of me vs. you.

However, the Five Secrets of Effective Communication turned the last two depositions on its ear. I avoided all confrontation and came out feeling confident that my word was a fair representation of the patient’s interest. During the deposition and after, my anxiety was at a 10–15% level as opposed to 95% during previous depositions, and my anger was 0% as opposed to 80% previously.

Hope to see you in 2018, happy holidays!

Mark Taslimi, MD
Obstetrics & Gynecology, MFM

Thanks, Mark, your email was music to my ears!

Of course, Mark has been working really hard to master the Five Secrets, and it’s paying off.

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to treat one of America’s top and most feared attorneys. He was a very powerful, but vulnerable and real, individual. He was intrigued with the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. One of the most important techniques is the Disarming Technique, which means finding truth in a criticism, rather than arguing and defending yourself.

Many of my colleagues have asked, “But if I agree with an angry patient, won’t that just open me up to a lawsuit? Shouldn’t I defend myself?” You may have had similar concerns when you felt wrongfully attacked or criticized by a love one, a colleague, or a friend.

So I asked my patient what he thought. Should therapists and physicians use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and agree with patients who criticize them? Or should we defend ourselves when criticized by angry patients or their families?

He said he’d answer my question if I agreed NOT to tell my colleagues. He said that if physicians and mental health professionals learned to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, he’d be out of business! He said that patients rarely sue for simple malpractice–they typically sue for one BIG reason: the doctor wouldn’t listen.

He said he had a way of making doctors listen, and emphasized that if therapists and physician used the Five Secrets with skill, compassion, and humility, they’d rarely, if ever, get sued.

He also said that if you were sued, and you were on the witness stand, being cross-examined by an aggressive attorney who was suing you, and you used the Five Secrets skillfully, the jury would rarely or NEVER find you guilty!

So there you have it. Stay tuned for the upcoming series on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Those podcasts may change your life!

David

My live FB broadcasts have been moved to 3 PM Pacific (California) Time every Sunday afternoon. I hope you can join us! The show is for therapists and the general public alike. If you cannot join us live, you can download the shows and listen any time that’s convenient for you!

Feel free to submit questions you’d like me to cover in these shows. Your questions drive the discussion each Sunday afternoon!

David

How to Find My FB Broadcasts

Click on my Facebook tab on https://feelinggood.com/ if you’d like to watch me each week on my Live Facebook broadcast each Sunday afternoon around 3 p.m. PST. Make sure to “like” my Public Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/DavidBurnsMD/ so you can watch it on my page or yours.

Join me as I answer mental health questions from viewers — therapists and non-therapists alike — from all over the world. Type your question in the Facebook feed and I’ll do my best to answer it.

If you miss the broadcast you can watch the saved videos on my Facebook page! Also, viewers can watch these Live Facebook broadcasts as well as other interesting TEAM-CBT videos on the Feeling Good Institute’s YouTube channel!

The David and Fabrice Feeling Good Podcasts

Fabrice and I hope you also enjoy our Feeling Good Podcasts, and also hope you can leave some positive comments for us and some five star ratings if you like what we’re doing! We are already enjoying 25,000 downloads per month from listeners like you. Thank you so much for your support of our podcasts!

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At least one listener has had problems leaving an iTunes review from his i-phone, so Fabrice has created some simple to follow instructions if you need help.

 

036: Ask David — Empowering the Victim With the Five Secrets

036: Ask David — Empowering the Victim With the Five Secrets

Don’t blame the victim!

IMG_1028In a recent blog, David described three types of “Reverse Hypnosis,” and talked about how frequently patients can hypnotize therapists into believing things that will tend to sabotage the therapy. Reverse Relationship Hypnosis means that the patient persuades the therapist that she or he really is a victim of the other person’s bad behavior. If therapists buy into this type of thinking, it can prevent the patient from examining ways she or he may be contributing to the problem.

But a blog reader made a fairly strong and impassioned comment that sometimes this may be mistake when the patient really IS a victim, and cautioned against blaming the victim. David’s goal is never to blame patients, but rather to empower you.

David and Fabrice begin by discussing the fact that sometimes people vacillate between other-blame (it’s all his/her fault) and self-blame (it’s all my fault), and emphasize that neither approach is helpful. If you blame the other person, the problem escalates and may turn to violence, but if, instead, you blame yourself, you’ll probably end up feeling worthless, guilty, unlovable, and depressed.

So what’s the solution to this dilemma? Dr. Burns encourages patients to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and make a radical change in the way they communicate with others, along the lines of EAR. E stands for Empathy, A stands for Assertiveness, and R stands for Respect. You can examine each of the Five Secrets if you CLICK HERE.

David gives five compelling examples of how to deal with people who REALLY ARE violent and abuse, including a raging psychiatric patient who was threatening the staff and on the verge of exploding, a serial killer who kidnapped a social worker who had attended one of David’s communication workshops, some drunken, abusive teenagers in a huge jeep who threatened David, an insulting, demoralizing, critical boss who put down everyone who worked with him. He includes with the story of a Lutheran minister,  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who was imprisoned and mistreated by the Nazis during world war two.

This is a controversial topic that David included in the podcasts somewhat reluctantly, so give a listen and tell us what you think! Right now the world seems to be spiraling into greater and greater hostilities. Does David have a point? Or is he way off base?

019: Ask David — The Defiant Child: A Secret All Parents Should Know

In this short podcast, David and Fabrice address a question submitted by a listener who benefitted from his book, Feeling Good Together. She wants to know whether the same EAR techniques described in that book could help her deal more effectively with a defiant, oppositional child. Dr. Burns reveals a fantastically helpful secret that he and his wife stumbled across in raising their own children. If you have ever struggled in your attempts to deal with an oppositional child or adolescent, you will find this podcast enlightening!

015: The Five Secrets of Effective Communication (Part 2)

In Podcast #14, David and Fabrice discussed the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. You can remember them with the acronym, EAR:

E = Empathy

A = Assertiveness

R = Respect

If used skillfully, the Five Secrets can resolve nearly any relationship conflict and transform hostility, resentment and mistrust into intimacy and warmth, often with amazing speed. And although this may seem easy when you first learn about the Five Secrets, it’s extremely difficult in real world situations.

In this Podcast, David and Fabrice discuss a number of predictable emotional and mental errors nearly everyone makes when trying to use the Five Secrets to get close to someone he or she is at odds with.

014: The Five Secrets of Effective Communication (Part 1)

Practically all of us have a friend, colleague, client, customer or family member we aren’t getting along with very well. Perhaps the difficult person in your life is excessively critical of you, complains constantly, won’t express his or her feelings, always has to be right, or never listens to you. Does anyone come to mind?

In this podcast, David and Fabrice discuss five communication secrets that can rapidly transform conflict and misunderstanding into intimacy and trust. David describes an experience that suddenly changed the direction of his life and career when he was working with an insecure medical student from England early in his career. The Five Secrets of Effective Communication can be remembered using the acronym, EAR:

E = Empathy

  • The Disarming Technique: You find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems illogical, self-serving, distorted, or just plain “wrong.”
  • Thought and Feeling Empathy: You summarize what the other person just said (Thought Empathy) and acknowledge how he or she is probably feeling, given what he or she just said (Feeling Empathy)
  • Inquiry: You as gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

A = Assertiveness

  • “I Feel” Statements: You express your own feelings and ideas openly according to the formula, “I’m feeling X, Y, and Z right now,” where are X, Y and Z refer to any of a wide variety of feeling words, such as anxious, attacked, hurt, or sad.

R = Respect

  • Affirmation (formerly called Stroking): You convey warmth, caring and respect, even in the heat of battle

David and Fabrice also describe the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and emphasize the incredible power of the Law of Opposites, with a vignette about a severely depressed patient who told David that he was “too young to be my doctor.”