You’re Right!
A Deep Dive on the Disarming Technique
Featuring Dr. Brandon Vance
On today’s podcast, we will be practicing the Disarming Technique and illustrate the Law of Opposites, using real examples with lots of potential for learning. We feature our good friend and esteemed colleague, Brandon Vance, MD, who is an advanced TEAM therapist.
Starting on November 5, Brandon will be offering a 6-week course on a Deep Dive Five Secrets Practice Group, meeting weekly from 12 to1:30, until December 10th. This course is strongly recommended for anyone who wants to learn and master the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. To learn more, you can
click here
Our goals for today’s podcast will be to illustrate how to disarm, with role play examples, of any number of very challenging examples. Once we have done role reversals and developed a good or excellent response to the criticism, we will try to point out two things important for teaching the Disarming Technique.
- The Law of Opposite: Here it is: When you humbly find the real truth in the criticism, even if it sounds exaggerated, distorted, unfair, or just plan wrong, it suddenly won’t be true anymore. This is a paradox!
- In contrast, if you defend yourself from the criticism, which you WILL do, you will simply prove that the criticism is correct. This is also a paradox!
We will illustrate some strategies for how to disarm seemingly “impossibly wrong and unfair” criticisms.
We started with a classic example. Let’s say a loved one angrily insists, “You never listen.”
Then we focused on a challenging clinical example, a patient who insists that “You’re to worst shrink I’ve EVER had! Where did you do your psychiatric training? At a veterinarian school?”
The exercise is fairly simple in structure, but quite challenging when you try it out in an actual role play exercise with a friend or colleague.
Step 1: Your colleague or friends hits you with one of the following criticisms listed below.
Step 2: You respond as effectively as you can, using the Disarming Technique and the rest of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication as needed.
Step 3. Your colleague gives you a letter grade along with what you did that was effective, and where you missed the boat.
Step 4. Do a role reversal and repeat the above steps. Continue with this process until you get an A in your response to the criticism.
I don’t have a full list of strategies for agreeing with impossible criticisms, but here are two:
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- Don’t respond to the criticism literally. Instead, try to “hear” what the other person is trying to say to you.
Example: Your patient says, “This is the second week in a row that you’ve been late to our sessions.”
Ineffective, literal response: “Yes, that’s true. I’ve been delayed by emergency situations both today and last week.” Explanation: This is harsh and literal, and misses the point entirely. This patient is trying to tell you that they feel ignored and uncared about, and this may in fact be a central dynamic in their life.
Somewhat more effective response: “Yes, I share your concern, especially since I have high regard for you and hate having to be late. I’m really worried it will come across as uncaring and irresponsible. In fact, I had unexpected emergencies with suicidal patients both days, and will certainly make up the missed time for you, and not even charge you for today’s session. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel hurt and even a bit angry with me, and for good reason. Can you tell me how you are feeing?”
This type of response gives you the chance to turn your lemons into lemonade!
- When you disarm, never say, “I can see how you might feel that way!” This is just a subtle way of sending this insulting message” ‘You’re wrong, and you’re making a misinterpretation because you’re a disturbed patient!”
- If a psychotic individuals makes a bizarre-sounding criticism, listen to the music behind the words and respond to that in a disarming way. For example, imagine that your hospitalized inpatient with paranoid schizophrenia says, “I know you’re conspiring against me with the FBI.”
What is this patient trying to tell you? They are telling you, symbolically, something like this: “During our session yesterday, you were not trustworthy. I was anxious and still am!”
So, you might respond like this: “Jim, I am embarrassed to admit that I agree with you completely, and also feel bad about it. During our session yesterday, I did a lousy job of supporting you, and we just didn’t connect, which was my bad. I felt like an enemy, and not your ally, so I get what you’re saying. This is important because I care a great deal for you. Can you tell me what it was like for you yesterday?”
With this type of kindly, disarming, and non-threatening response, most patients will open up right away.
This list of errors is not comprehensive. It’s just a started kit to point you, hopefully, in the right direction. You will get many of the fine points by listening to the live podcast.
You might enjoy reviewing the following list of difficult / impossible criticisms you might hear from patients or friends of family members. It can be really helpful to see if you can find a way to agree with these criticisms that’s genuine and effective.
- Burns, isn’t it true that you’re a total fraud and a worthless human being?
- You’re full of shit and you know it!
- I followed your suggestion on what to say to my relative, even using the 5-Secrets, and now they won’t speak to me.
Rhonda says: Just to be clear, the following challenges from unhappy kids were not directed at me!
- I wish you had died instead of Mom. (We practiced this one on the live podcast.)
- Can you give me my inheritance now, so I don’t have to see you ever again?
- You need to butt out of what you don’t understand.
- All I remember from my childhood is how you weren’t there for me.
- You should have protected me when I was a kid, but you didn’t.
Here are some more from patients in various setting.
- A patient yells out as you pass on the locked inpatient psych ward: “Doctor, you’re trying to kill me!”
- Or as a (non-suicidal) private practice patient said: “You probably wish I was dead!”
- Or “You like your other patients better than me”
- An angry patient says: “you’ve ruined my life!”
- An unhappy patient says: I bet you faked your diploma!
More personal / family examples
- A romantic partner says “you’re gaslighting me”.
- A friend says “you’re flirting with my girlfriend – you’re trying to steal her away from me!”
- Your wife says “you’re having an affair” when you’re not.
- Your teenage son says “I know I was an accident and you wish you never even had me.”
- Your student catches you in the hallway and winks saying, “You like me better than the other students, right?”
Thanks for listening today!
Brandon, Rhonda, and David
Contact information
You can reach Dr. Brandon Vance at BrandonVance@gmail.com
Dr. Rhonda Barovsky is a Level 5 Certified TEAM-CBT therapist and trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Check out her website: www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com.
You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.
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