With Guest Expert, Helen Yeni-Komshian, MD
In this podcast, David, Helen and Fabrice focus on the Disarming Technique, which is the first of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. The definition of the Disarming Technique is finding truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems blatantly wrong, or illogical, or exaggerated. And it’s based on David’s Law of Opposites.
David brings the Law of Opposites to life with an example of what was perhaps the most devastating criticism he ever received from a patient. He was angry and defensive, and didn’t want to agree with his patient because he was absolutely convinced she was “wrong.” But on the weekend, while he was jogging, he suddenly saw the truth in her cutting remarks, and when he shared his insight with her the following session, the impact was immediate and dramatic.
The use of the Disarming Technique required the death of David’s ego–and that wasn’t easy, because he felt angry and ashamed. David points out that sometimes our patients (as well as family members or people in general) are trying to lash out at us, and want to hurt us, because they feel so frustrated, alone, and abandoned–and asks if we have the courage to let our egos die for them. Are we willing to listen and to see the world through their eyes? This can be exceedingly challenging, and you may not be able to use this, or the other Five Secrets, effectively unless you have a powerful desire to produce some healing and to get close to the people you’re at odds with.
Helen gives a striking example of the power of the Disarming Technique in a case of family member who was complaining about bad drivers. This annoyed her because she was telling herself, “He shouldn’t complain. He should keep a pleasant atmosphere in the car and ignore bad drivers!” But acting on this impulse only made the problem worse. She explains how hard it can be to use the Disarming Technique when you’re feeling annoyed, but illustrates the transformative power of a skillful disarming statement.
David says that the Disarming Technique is by far the most important and difficult of the Five Communication techniques, and explains how he worked for thirty minutes a day, for two months, to learn how to do it after he created this technique!
The homework assignment for this week will be to use the Disarming Technique on at least one occasion every day in your interactions with others. You can start out by saying something like “You’re right . . . ” or “I agree with you that . . . .”
He gives an example of how he once did this when riding home from work to on the commuter train when he lived in Philadelphia. He sat next to an exceedingly hostile man who bristling and angry, and complaining bitterly about just about everything.
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Very insightful.I have a team mate who is a complainer.I will try this disarming technic.You are so generous to share this gem with us.
Thanks, let me know what happens! david
David,
Helen is right! I say this respectfully, but her husband should not behave that way. I feel she is beating up on herself for having that feeling. There is something beautiful about her desire not to have to listen to someone else’s complaining and negativity.
I get the point though: The best way to stop the unwanted behavior is not to fight against it, but to disarm and empathize (or take Uber instead 🙂 ).
The question I will ask myself is how do I get to the outcome I want? Fight or diplomacy/disarming/empathize.
You’re the G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time) David!
Rob
Thanks, Rob, I will bounce this off of Helen when we next record, so she can address it directly! Always appreciate your comments on podcasts! david
First of of all, big fan of your podcasts. Thank you so much :). I have a question about the disarming technique. How can it best be used when a person is being aggressive and insulting you? I guess what I am trying to learn is how to stay calm in such a situation, voice the truth I hear and feel from the person but also try to be assertive about the fact that it is not appropriate for them to say certain things in an angry tone.
Thanks, Kat, you are on the right track, but there is likely room for further growth. If you want, send a specific example. First, write down exactly what the other person said, at least as good as you can, from memory. Then write down exactly what you said next. If you email that to me, I can then comment specifically in a podcast, and also get input from Fabrice and others. I have some possible upgrades on your assertiveness, but the specific example will be vastly superior to theorizing here. Thanks for a terrific question, and I’m so eager to go further with this! All the best for the holidays, Kat, David!
ThanksDavid for explaining a wonderful technique called disarming.
I am a Pakistani diplomat but had graduated in medicine which I left after practicing for three years and after I qualified to become a diplomat about 26 years ago.
II havean Elder son who is OCD patient and also severely depressed to the extent that he spends most of his time lying in bed and doing nothing.
I have read your life-changing book feeling good 3 times and I also listen to your podcasts in order to help him.
One question in my view that was not discussed in this podcast was how to deal with an unreasonable demand that can come as a result of your agreeing with the person in order to disarm them.
With the best wishes
Rizwan
Thank you! Appreciate your note! Disarming means finding truth in what the other person is saying. It has nothing to do with giving in to an unreasonable demand. You can set gentle, firm limits while using the Five Secrets. If you give a specific example (what did the other person say, and what exactly did you say next) I could maybe give a deeper answer! all the best, david
Dear doctor burn
I am so grateful to you that I am learning so much I wish I had learnt this 30 years ago from your book and your podcast. Doesn’t matter , maybe I have 30 more years to practice and enjoy what you teach.
I have one question with regard to that Japanese woman who had a troubling elationship with our daughter. what if the daughter had said, “you don’t care about me because you don’t let me use my phone after 10 o’clock in the night” How would the mother agree with her and also not allow her to use phone after 10 p.m.
I hope you have the time to answer my query.
Dr. Rizwan
From Pakistan
Thanks, Syed.
I don’t recall the example, but here’s one suggestion about how to respond, assuming the daughter’s name is Sarah. I will put the name of each technique, using abbreviations, in parentheses after each sentence. The abbreviations refer to the Five Secrets of Effective Communication.
“You’re right Sarah, sometimes I do get annoyed and I come across as too harsh and maybe even unloving. (DT) I can imagine that hurts you’re feelings, and angers you, for good reason. (FE) I love you so much, and this makes me sad. (ST; IF) You are getting older and you’re growing up and becoming more independent, and I admire you for that. and for who you are (ST; DT) You’re becoming a strong and assertive and independent and beautiful young lady! (ST) I respect you greatly for telling me how you feel, although it is sometimes painful for me. (ST; IF) All that being said, for now your father and I have decided to continue to enforce the 10 PM rule because you need your sleep, but I appreciate your desire to maintain really great relationships with your many friends, which is super! (IF)”
Let me know what you think, and feel free to edit it to make it better. Maybe a bit too long, but I’ve found if your response contains Stroking and comes across as respectful and caring, it will usually work fairly well.
All that being said, your daughter may STILL feel annoyed, and may still push your limit, so you may have stay firm and simply accept that there are bumps in the road of adolescence and parent-child exchanges! Let me know what you think!
David
Thank you dear Dr. Burns.
Your reply wasn’t long at all. Rather for me, longer the better. Your formulation is very carefully worded and it teaches me to say things from differenet angles. Just from one angle may not be enough.
Thank you very much. Just returned with your ” when Panic attacks “, to help my son who has OCD.
May we see you working and helping people like us for a very long time, Ameen
Rizwan
Thanks again! Appreciate your comments and notes! david
I’m a Democrat in Texas. How can we use disarming to heal the political rifts in our country? How does one find agreement across that ever widening divide?
Hi Carrel, It’s really tough, for sure! Have you listened to my podcast on this topic? There is a search function on my website. If you type in “political divide,” this podcast will pop right up: 127: How Can We Communicate with Loved Ones on the Opposite Side of the Political Divide? Let me know what you think! david
Hi David!
I suffer of shyness and some months ago I got invited by a girl in her house and we were alone. I was extremely anxious because of all the pressure I felt on me in that situation. So I had been quiet most of the time and she eventually said in an ostile way: “Either you say something or you go away of my home!”. This hit me very hard and shortly after this I went out of her house feeling completely humiliated, inadequate, guilty, sad, ashamed and frustrated.
So today I was thinking what I could say with the five secrets in that moment and I’ve come up with this:
“It is painful to me to hear that (I feel). You are right to invite me to speak more, I did not disclose myself a lot with you this evening (disarming technique) and this makes me sad. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are disappointed with me and maybe a little bit pissed off (feeling empathy). You are a nice and very interesting girl (stroking) and it would like to know each other more in the future and I don’t want that my difficulties to open up and my shyness will be a problem for us (I feel). Can you tell me more about how you feel and what you think? I think that this conversation can bring us closer. (inquiry)”
Is it a good response? Your podcasts and Facebook broadcasts bring me a lot of hope of recover from my shyness.
Hi Davide,
To my ear, your response is really beautiful. Well done! Now you can turn your shyness into an asset, rather than a liability. The problem is the shame, and not the shyness. If you are not ashamed, you can freely disclose your shyness and use it as a way of developing greater intimacy! david
Hi David,
I seem to be becoming a virtual pest! Please tell me, I feel that there is advantage in understanding your patients’ point of view through disarming, but are there any advantages to disarming people you don’t like? How does it help me feel good?
A specific example , I have a cousin, who I feel sucks my life resources away. I resent sharing my stuff with her and when I do share anything, She doesn’t even say a word of thanks! I seethe and simmer and once she actually told me as I received a guest, “You have no idea how to treat guests!” She has never received guests warmly at her home so I found this comment very wounding. At a separate occasion she told my gathered family following a formal family wedding, ” Oh, see how Preetika wears old clothes, she’s been keeping them for sooo long!” I felt humiliated and upset in front of my family. How can I disarm her? And more importantly, why will disarming her make me feel better?
Thanks for taking the time to answer queries, you must be superhuman ( and I suspect you are!)
Best,
Preetika
If you read Feeling Good Together and do the written exercises you will learn a tremendous amount about the Five Secrets. IN addition, you can search for Five Secrets on my website and get a ton of podcasts. d
Thanks very much, Dr Burns!
You are very welcome! d
I was surprised that with the mother daughter role play you had the mother guess at what the daughter meant when she claimed the mother didn’t care. If the daughter is to feel genuinely heard, it would have been best for mom to ask the daughter what she means first. Also you had the mother essentially say you’re right we don’t care. Focus should have been on the behaviors that make it seem like she doesn’t care, not admitting that she doesn’t – because she does care.
Also, I disagree with your claim that religion does not have the answers to these issues. Christianity does, its just that many don’t dive in deep enough to see this, and many allow their pride to rule which prevents them from truly changing. IMO, it is pride that caused the problems for this woman therapist in this pod cast to see her husbands point of view.
Sadly, the podcast was a couple years ago or more, so I don’t have a clear memory of it. But you certainly raise some really good points. With regard to your suggestion about leading with Inquiry, you might say, “I feel sad that I haven’t been caring, and we’ve for sure had some awkward moments that were painful for me, and probably painful for you, too. And I can imagine that you might be feeling hurt and angry. I know I’ve made many mistakes, and if you could tell me about some of the things I’ve said or done that hurt you, I would really appreciate it, and maybe our talk can bring us much closer together, since I love you so much, but clearly have failed.”
Don’t know what you think this is definitely an art form! Your excellent note is kind of general, and maybe some specifics would help jog my memory, especially what I said about religion that did not strike you right. Don’t recall what I said about religion! You are right that many don’t dive in to really “see” what religious teachings mean. And pride IS a huge barrier to loving relationships!
All the best, david
If you read Feeling Good Together and do the written exercises you will learn a tremendous amount about the Five Secrets. IN addition, you can search for Five Secrets on my website and get a ton of podcasts. d
Thanks! d